Just relax? I can’t relax. 12 months, 8 thousand failed dollars plus 12 thousand more, 40 plus blood draws and dildo-wandings, and many anxious sleepless nights have gone into trying to have a baby!
Fingers crossed that everything goes as planned!
We’re in the middle of an ice storm here, and I did not sleep last night.
All outdoor things, such as trees, shrubs, vehicles, roads, etc. are covered in a thick layer of ice. It looks beautiful- like a classic winter scene, with branches coated in an inch of glistening ice. However, it has been a nightmare for us.
Last night, we put ourselves to bed, and as soon as I fell asleep, every 20 minutes I was startled awake by what can only be described as a thunderbolt gunshot. This happened almost 10 times. I have not slept.
At 6am, our neighbours were knocking on our door to let us know that one of their tree branches came down on our car. It knocked off the driver’s side mirror. We looked around and we had massive branches down too.
Many parts of our area are out of power as well.
Our fridge is pretty empty, and it’s too icy out there, so I decided to make gluten free chocolate chip cookies!
I tried out this recipe today:
Here’s a picture of DW watching the branches come down.
Time seems to move very slowly when you’re anxiously awaiting some event in the future….
Who thought it would be the day that I start injecting myself with Lupron daily?!?!
Seriously though, I feel like after all of the waiting in 2013, the child that is to emerge from DW’s loins should be named Patience. Just kidding. That name sounds too fundamentalist Christian to me (and I was raised Pentecostal!).
Anyhow, here’s the timeline that I’ve been given (finally, after weeks of arm twisting and email harassing of the RE clinic):
Dec 27th- start Lupron- 20 units daily for forever (or until HCG trigger day far in the future)
Jan 2nd- last Marvelon pill
Sperm’s been sent, and the lawyer’s clearance has been completed.
All that’s left is to pay (12 grand CDN, yikes!), and sign the consents. Oh, and wait of course. Wait.
This is the devil’s drug, and not in a good way.
I’m usually fairly even-keeled (with the exception of 8DPO, sometimes), and moody isn’t a word people would use to describe me. In fact, most colleagues have mentioned that I have a calming energy.
I have been an angry monster lately. I have experienced fits of rage and bouts of sobbing within minutes of each other. It has been ugly.
I have considered calling in sick to work multiple days in the past 2 weeks because I find these emotions to be out of control and unbearable. I have been scared of what shit might spew from my mouth in these “moments”.
I have been pushed past my limits a few times this week and it has taken every ounce of my will to prevent myself from saying something or breaking something that might cause my termination of employment with my school board.
Sometimes however, I wonder if it’s really the Marvelon or if I just work with a bunch of assholes. I mean, I do share an office with 14 other mathematicians, and mathematicians stereotypically lack social skills.
Other times I wonder- is this what PMS feels like? And then suddenly it explains my mother’s behaviour my entire childhood.
Bottom line is that I can’t wait to be off this damn pill! Even if it means the beginning of endless injections.
From Mutha Magazine:
So, as my left index finger and thumb alternate between typing on my iPhone and peeling delicious roasted Parmesan cauliflower florets right off an aluminum foil sheet, I announce that DW finally got her period today.
We’ve been waiting for this. My system has been in a holding pattern on the friggin’ Marvelon (aka moody death pill) for a week now. I got my period exactly a week ago, and let me tell you, I’ve noticed an increase in “I will cut you” stares that I’m unleashing on students this week. Good thing is that they behave better under fearful conditions.
Anyway, DW needs to call the RE clinic and get her day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound done before we find out my Lupron start date.
It’s a very strange feeling to be excited (yet scared) about the prospect of many needles.
Anyway, now that I’ve downed 75% of a head of cauliflower, I’d say it’s right time for bed!
Well it has been quite a couple of days. A lot of harassing of nurses via phone calls and angry emails, but finally, we are back in the game.
I could indulge you in the juicy details of my recent anger and frustration with the world of heterocentric big box clinic drama, but since I’ve made a pre-new year’s resolution to be more zen-like in my projections into the world, I shalt not. Instead, I will share some good news.
My appointment with Dr. Glasses, the OCD-punctual endocrinologist, revealed completely normal bloodwork. She claims that the RE’s blood lab may be lacking reliability in their methods, and/or my levels just naturally fluctuate. Just to “dot her i’s and cross her t’s” (her words not mine), Dr. Glasses has ordered a head MRI and repeated my bloodwork (yay! Those 9 vials of blood were just weighing me down anyway!). But otherwise, she pretty much smacked me on the bum and said- “Go off and make some gaybies!”.
So a call was made to the RE’s clinic, who is to blame for this absolutely unnecessary 3 month delay in baby-making. This is where the angry stories come in. I won’t say any more than- minions! Brainless minions!
So today is day 3. Bleeding like a stuck pig, I had to wake up 30 minutes earlier than usual, guzzled 2 full bottles of water on an empty stomach, had my veins poked, permitted a sadistic ultrasound tech to use ice cold ultrasound gel on my belly (and uncomfortably full bladder), and had my cervix pistol-whipped by a dildo-wand. Fun times. Please excuse the ultra-long sentence. I am having a PTSD moment here people.
Anyway, looking forward, I have to start the Marvelon again. DW’s damn period got away from mine again, so we aren’t synced anymore. *Imagine my period running after hers, the gap between them widening….*
Sometime around the 24th of December (yes the eve of baby Jesus’ birthday) I start jabbing myself with Lupron.
Maybe if I stay up late enough, Santa himself will ice my injection site.
Thought that this was really intriguing. I love the sections stained with blood. The video snippet was beautifully filmed as well.
Leave a comment below with your thoughts.
Happy December all!
This artist looked at 100 samples of tears- of joy, of grief, of change….
Under a microscope. Who knows if the patterns are consistent for emotions of different people, but I thought that I would share because they are beautiful either way.
One of my favourite gluten-containing desserts is the cinnamon roll. For years, I would secretly cry inside, every time we walked past Cinnabon or a bakery with oooey gooey cinnamony goodness displayed. That is, until I found this recipe:
Which I can honestly say, changed my life for better (I mean yummy awesomeness!), but also for worse (hello fat pants!).
Give them a try. They are amazing.
(A lucky sticky dust shout out to my friend Friederike. Hope these buns bring you luck!)