So I’m home for a quick visit before we head to Hawaii. My father recently had a heart attack, and was originally supposed to come with us on the vacation. He is contemplating his own mortality, and has been making his wishes known to us, in terms of his estate. It freaks me out a bit.
I’m not good with deep emotional sentiments, even though I come from a family of really emotional and emotionally expressive people. At any given family dinner, it is the norm for there to be tears shed- tears of sadness, tears of happiness, tears due to uncontainable laughter. I often worry about some family members’ emotional stability, but that’s a topic for another blog post, or a novel pehaps.
Last night we arrived in Vancouver, a place I was born, raised, and educated. I left here in 2004 for professional school in Ontario, always intending to return and practice. Things don’t always go as planned. Now I visit every other year, and am amazed by how much has changed, how much I’ve forgotten about it (like simple street names- it’s Jervis, not Jarvis), and how much I miss.
Today DW started having cramps. She also complained of what we call “cat poops”, a sure fire indication of impending menstruation. Sure enough, when she went to the washroom after lunch, some spotting. We’ve been hoping that our cycles would sync up, but they haven’t, even after four years! Stubborn ovaries!
I have been having some cramps as well today. I’m 10DPO, so I am not expecting AF.
Last night I didn’t sleep. I should clarify, I couldn’t sleep. I have been so anxious lately, partly due to family issues, but also significantly due to TTC-ing. I am close to snapping on a
dildo-cam technician, I mean, ultrasound technologist. I told DW yesterday that if this IUI doesn’t work, I’m done. I’m done with the countless blood draws, I’m done with leaving the RE clinic feeling violated and like there’s something wrong with me. I hate not having control of my body, my schedule, and the increasing amount of anxiety that plagues me during each TWW. This entire cycle, I have not slept properly. I do not function well when under slept.
I have also gained almost 10 lbs from all of the fertility drugs. This makes me feel miserable, as I already have some body dismorphia. Good thing I’m heading to Hawaii tomorrow, where it feels like 40 degrees Celsius, and where I have to wear a bikini. Great.