This post is being published so much later than I had intended for it to. I apologize for that. I needed some time to process the outcome of my visit this week with the endo, as well as fulfill the other responsibilities in my life.
One of the biggest mysteries is my cortisol level. Tested twice, it was the reason that the RE clinic “dumped me” like a deadbeat boyfriend. My first level was in the high 500’s, which is just past the range of normal, but my second level, was well into the 1000’s. The endo finds it very curious, and had no real suspicions that she would share with me. So instead, we are doing two tests: 24 urine cortisol test and the dexamethasone suppression test.
The first test requires me to pee exclusively into this:
for 24 hours. I brought one into work the next day, and even had it labeled, just in case my colleagues would mistaken it for a gas can. Actually, the nice lady at the bloodwork lab stuck a pretty white Avery label onto it for me and said, “Don’t forget to autograph it dear”. Just in case 2L of my urine becomes worth something some day, I plan on checking Ebay regularly.
Despite bringing it into work, I got too shy to use it there. Instead, I waited until the weekend, where I could act all prison-like, peeing into my “Orange is the New Black” pee jug in the comfort of my own home. Good thing I did, because I insisted on peeing directly into the opening of the jug, and I have terrible aim.
Spillage incurred. My Darling Wife, who knows me so well (my nickname around here is “Spilly-pants”), started lining the bathroom floor with large bath towels.
That my friends, is true love.
That my friends, is also only test number one.
The second test occurs over the course of tonight and tomorrow morning. The dexamethasone is a steroid that I have to take that is supposed to tell my cortisol-producing centers to “fall asleep”. Actually, it’s more like sedating them like Dexter, and seeing which one of the fuckers doesn’t respond to tranquilizers. The next morning, which, for me will unfortunately be a work day, I have to go into the blood lab, drop off my autographed pee jug, and insist that I have blood drawn ASAP to test my body’s response to the steroid. DW was hinting earlier that the steroids have some “beneficial side effects”. [Research it on your own. Careful where you are when you google it.]
So for tonight, I have to set my alarm to wake me a bit earlier, and I will sleep peacefully knowing my wife is okay with the 2L jug of my pee beside the raw chicken breasts in our fridge, and will still love me even if I end up with an enlarged clitoris.