FET#3: An Update Part 2

All of my pregnancy symptoms had disappeared Wednesday and Thursday. No dizziness, no vertigo, no nausea, boobs way less sore, twinges gone.

I was sad and totally devastated.

Time was passing so slowly, and I analyzed every gas bubble and pinch from my belly, not to mention the colour of my used toilet paper.

Friday finally came, and we went for my repeat beta.

I was a bit hopeful because I had some nausea during the morning, and I felt bloated. I have never been so pleased to be bloated.

Three and a half hours later, we got the results of our repeat beta.

Wednesday’s beta: 33
Friday’s beta: 61

Not quite double yet, but increasing. We’re not out of the game. My doubling rate is 54 hours. Because my levels are under 100, the nurse says that I need to go in again in a week to check my HCG again. She sounded neither apologetic nor congratulatory, which was professional of her, but made me really sad. I am trying to stay positive, as the embryo is still in there, and the HCG is still increasing. I just hope that it continues to thrive and is not just a delay of the inevitable.

You see, with five embryos that have failed to make it past this second beta, we feel like we’re getting closer to our goal with this attempt. However, if this one miscarries too, I don’t know how we will recover from it.

To be honest, during these past two days, I have been contemplating many previously unthinkable things. Things like, I don’t know if we would bother with one more FET with our last embryo. If every single one of our embryos miscarried, it makes me wonder if the whole batch is bad. Maybe all of my eggs have a chromosomal abnormality that is still allowing them to look morphologically perfect. Maybe I’ll never be a biological mom because I’m defective. Then I start thinking about how much easier and luxurious life would be if we didn’t have kids (a consolation prize). We could go to Maui every Christmas and Spring Break, we could go to on an Olivia Vacation, we could sleep in and selfishly continue to play all of our team sports with our friends. After all, most of our teammates are lesbians who don’t have kids and they’re always going on amazing trips and have pristine homes and awesome savings accounts. I think I could be happy with that.

But then we go out into public, where babies and kids abound, and I am a baby-magnet! Babies are always fascinated with me- not sure if it’s the dreads or the fact that I’m always smiling at them- and they give me cute giggles and adorable happy hand gestures. It makes my heart melt.

I am not religious, but I am so desperate for this pregnancy to work out that I have been praying for promising HCG levels. I am freaking myself out.

But right now, in this moment, I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I need to not let past tragedies and stupid numbers get in the way of my happiness.

FET#3: An Update

First off, let me apologize for waiting until today to update you on what’s going on.

I have been a nervous wreck.

Last time we touched base, I had gotten my very first BFP. This was on Monday, and holy shit was I excited. My symptoms were also in full effect: super sore breasts, dizziness, twinges, bloating, smell aversion, mild nausea.

When Wednesday came, I was so sure that our little implanted embryo(s) would be overachievers and just figured that my HCG levels would be in the hundreds. I was certain that I had been pregnant for several days now at this point.

Then we got the call.

Our beta test came back positive. But really low. Our HCG was 33. The nurse said that technically, anything above 5 was positive.

I was in shock, and disbelief.

Naturally, I turned to Dr. Google, every TTC research addict’s playground. And basically concluded that yes, technically, I was pregnant, but with an HCG as low as mine on 10DP5DT, it was likely to end in miscarriage.

I basically drove myself and DW crazy, with all of my researching and speculation. I had even convinced myself out of being excited that I was pregnant.

Basically, for two days I was anxiously awaiting today’s (Friday) HCG result, as we need to see them increase sufficiently (double within 48-72 hours).

Stay tuned for today’s results…. I will post again in a few hours.

9DP5DT: Twinges Anyone?

Tomorrow’s our first beta, Friday is our repeat beta, and I’m so friggin’ nervous.

Please stick. Please stick. Please stick.

To make matters worse, I’ve been feeling a constant twinge on my right side. It feels like a weird pulling sensation somewhat generalized in my lower right abdomen. It changes a bit with position, and is worse with sitting and certain positions lying down. I’m afraid to stretch it, not knowing what it is.

Anyone else experience this at around week 4?

My breasts are ridiculously tender too. Yesterday, just the weight of them bouncing as I walked up the stairs was making them ache.

Other than that, the vertigo has somewhat dissipated, but I’m still dizzy all the time and feel a fuzz in my brain.

More updates tomorrow!

8DP5DT: On the Right Track

I’m not celebrating yet, but this morning at 6am, I woke up from a beautiful dream and peed on a stick.

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Our beta is on Wednesday, and the repeat beta is on Friday, so I’m not celebrating quite yet, as both other FETs never made it beyond that second beta.

But, friends, this is the first BFP my body has ever had!

7DP5DT- To Test or Not to Test.

Seriously people, I’m so conflicted.

It’s actually making me dizzy thinking about it.

Yesterday, 6DP5DT, I saw a tiny smear of pink on the toilet paper, and got super excited. Prior to that, I have had no real urge to test, mostly because I didn’t feel like I had any symptoms.

But riddle me this, those of you who have been supplementing with progesterone- can it make you nauseous or feel like you have vertigo? I don’t mean a little dizziness, I mean, the room is spinning vertigo.

So far, that’s all I’ve been feeling, and it started only when we got to the cottage (3 days ago). I’m not sure if this is the progesterone or the embryo(s) causing this.

The previous “cold” symptoms lasted only one day.

So here I am, HCG internet cheapies in front of me (I only have 2), and not sure if I should pee on one tonight.

Here are my pros and cons:

Pros:
– I will feel like we’re on the right track if it is positive
– it’s kind of fun and exciting
– it gives information on whether the embryo(s) implanted or not

Cons:
– if it’s negative, I will likely jump to conclusions and start binge drinking (kidding about the drinking)
– if it’s positive, and then doesn’t persist to develop, I will be heartbroken
– because of our two early losses, if I get a positive, I’ll still be weary of losing it

So there you have it. I’m not sure what to do.

In any case, 3 more days until our beta, which will be on 10DP5DT.

Here are some cottage pics:

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6DP5DT: Sick

So I’ve got a sliver of a cell phone signal here at the cottage, and thought that I’d post a little update.

No symptoms still, except for maybe a little dizziness and motion sickness out in the canoe (I don’t usually get sick out on the water).

I haven’t been sleeping well, presumably thanks to the levothyroxine. I go to bed at about 10pm, wake up at 3am, and am not able to fall back asleep at all. The birds start chirping at about 4am, and they are a bunch of loud motherfuckers. Sleep is hopeless.

I’ve also developed a bad case of sniffles and post-nasal drip, perhaps because of some allergies or maybe a cold. Right now I’m lying in bed feeling chilled.

I’m hungry for updates from you all! Hope everyone is doing well.

4DP5DT

No, that’s not a serial number.

I’m 4 days post 5 day embryo transfer.

So far, I’ve felt no different. Bed rest only happened the first day. I couldn’t handle it much more than that. I watched as much Netflix as I could, took as many naps as I could, but in the end, I just wanted to flex my muscles and get my ass movin’. So on 1DP5DT, we took the dogs on our usual hike through the woods. We took it slower than our typical pace, which DW didn’t complain about (she has shorter legs than me and I often walk too fast). The past two days, I’ve just been keeping busy with cooking and baking.

[Apologies in advance to those who can’t stand people taking pictures of their food.]

I made a Thai green curry with chicken.

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Then, with these beautiful peaches that DW bought from a colleague who picks them ripe off his peach tree, I made peach glaze for our GF crepes, and peach cobbler. I made extra cobbler and froze it.

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Then, DW ran out of breakfast granola, so I made some GF granola.

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Today, I picked basil from our garden and made pesto. Look at that gorgeous green colour!

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That pesto was delicious on the zucchini noodles that I spiralized for lunch.

[Okay, food porn over. Still with me?]

Right now, we’re on our way to our cottage. So really, the reason I’m posting is so that y’all don’t worry about me when you haven’t seen a post from me in several days. I’ll be back on Sunday, so until then, fingers crossed for all of you finishing up your TWW’s, and have a great weekend everyone!

FET #3 The Embryo Transfer

The stats:
– uterine lining 9.7mm
– two day 5 blastocysts transferred
– 4mg Estrace, 3 effervescent Endometrin suppositories, 3 capsules Prometrium, and a prenatal
– Levothyroxine

I had my last orgasm last night, and fell promptly to sleep at 11:30pm. I woke up at 3am, wide-eyed, body feeling the post-traumatic effects of yesterday’s altercation with my dad. Despite trying to fall back asleep, I wasn’t able to, and just laid in bed until 6am when our alarms went off.

I showered, put on a cute dress, guzzled the two cups of water needed to fill my bladder, and had a bowl of oatmeal. Then, we were on our way!

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At the clinic, one of the nicest nurses received us, and they were running on time. We changed into the gown/smock, booties, and hair nets. We also had Dr. C, who we’ve never had before. He is a very petite flaming Asian man, which DW took as a good sign.

They thawed two embryos: one of our excellent grade ones, and the other lower grade one, which they regraded as excellent as it developed more after it thawed.

This is them:

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Lying on the table, with my feet in stirrups, the ultrasound tech measured my uterine lining (9.7mm), and then the doctor inserted the speculum. He had a lot of problems trying to thread the catheter through my cervix. He must have tried for 5 minutes, and the pain of the catheter being repeatedly forced through was causing my uterus to cramp. It hurt like hell, and I shed a tear or two, but it was neat to see it on the ultrasound. Because of how long it was taking, they sent the embryos back to the embryologist. The doctor then sent the nurse to fetch a special curved catheter called a “Sydney catheter”, which worked like a charm through my S shaped cervix. The embryos were then deposited into the middle of my uterine cavity, and the embryologist checked the sleeve and saw that one embryo was still in there. The doctor set up the speculum and Sydney catheter again and deposited the second embryo again.

Because I was the last patient for the day, I got to stay laying down in the room for 15-20 minutes, all the while chatting with the embryologist and the nurse.

We then headed upstairs to get blood work done.

My progesterone levels are going to be checked on Thursday or Friday, and our beta is on the 13th.

For the next two days I’m supposed to be on bed rest, which so far, sucks. I am so bored, and just really want to go for a walk with my wife and dogs. My Darling has been taking good care of me, making me food and catering to all of my fetching needs. She is awesome, I love her so much, and I hope I can make her some babies.

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12 More Hours

My life is anything but boring.

Over the course of one hour:

– my dad booked us flights to Vancouver
– we planned a three day sailing trip through the San Juan Islands
– I told my dad we were trying to get pregnant
– I was berated over iMessage and things like “I was damning the child to hell”, and “the child will not be raptured”, and the “rapture is coming soon” were mentioned
– I was threatened with being disowned if I tried to get pregnant
– I was disowned by my ultra-Pentecostal, fanatical father
– our flights were cancelled

And now here we are, just under 12 hours away from our embryo transfer. One day I will address my very complex relationship with my father, but not today.

I got an urgent-sounding voicemail this morning, from the embryologist at the fertility clinic. They were trying to convince me to transfer only one embryo. According to them, I am young (32), the blastocysts are of excellent quality, and they don’t think it’s necessary to transfer both because they think the chance of success will be high given my stats. I argued with them for a minute or so, and maintained that I want two thawed and transferred. I realize that there is a chance of twins, which pose their own unique risks, but I’m healthy and willing to take the extra 10% chance of having one successful live birth by putting two instead of one (60% vs. 50%). Plus, DW had two transferred during both of her FETs and none of the four ended in a live birth. Interesting that they didn’t call before hers to discuss this, even though we used my eggs.

Anyway, it’s been carbalicious around these parts. Yesterday, we drove across two cities to shop at my favourite gluten-free bake shop, Molly B’s. They have the best breads and desserts, and Friday is the best day to buy from their storefront as bread is baked that day. I bought three loaves of cheese bread and one tray of butter tarts. Her brother also owns a gluten-free business, making specialty artisan breads and pastas. I got to taste-test their Calabrese baguette, and bought one immediately because it smelled like real bread, tasted like real bread, and was chewy like real bread. His bakery is called Nate’s Bagels. His loaf was so delicious, that I pretty much demolished it in 24 hours.

DW picked some Roma and yellow pear tomatoes, basil, and garlic from our garden and I made bruschetta. We’ve basically been eating bread and bruschetta for the past four meals. Here’s a picture of Molly B’s gluten-free cheese bread, our homemade bruschetta, and some chicken breast (for good measure).

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(I’m pretty sure that the yoga I did today did not burn off sufficient calories).

Tonight, I’ll eat some pineapple, watch some Netflix, and dream about babies.