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Bittersweet News

My primary nurse finally got back to me today via email. She will talk to the RE to see if he will approve the immune panel requisition (I don’t know why this would even be a problem, since I have to pay for this out of pocket).

We also got some results back.

Our last miscarriage, was of a chromosomally normal baby girl.

So much for statistics.

I was at the gym when I got the news, and started crying in the studio space between my sets of walking lunges.

So if the embryo was normal, then it was either my body or the extreme work-related stress that caused her to stop developing. Why the hell are they hesitating to send me for immune blood work?

I am doing so much body blaming right now.

I know that I have Celiac Disease. What other autoimmune issues are lingering in the background? Why didn’t they test for immune issues before we started all of our IUIs and IVF/FETs.

Tonight I had a massage appointment. I thought about cancelling because of how I was feeling, but went ahead with it anyway. My massage therapist is kind of chatty, but knows us and our TTC history fairly well, so naturally I shared the recent news. We talked about Thanksgiving, about the bird feeder that we plan to build to honour our angel babies, and she asked me

“Why a bird feeder?”.

I wasn’t really sure, except that this summer, we have really noticed their presence at the cottage, and on my daily walks in the forest with the dogs. She asked what kinds of birds we have been seeing mostly, and I named off a couple that we regularly see at the cottage: chickadees, nut hatches, hummingbirds, and blue jays.

“Which one stands out the most to you?” she asked.

I answered her quickly because it was clear to me- the ones that ate out of my hands.

The Chickadee.

Soon, my massage was over, and I got redressed in private. When I came out of the massage room, my massage therapist handed me a piece of paper- the symbolic meaning of the chickadee.

Social support
Standing up for yourself

Maybe our angel babies are speaking through the birds. Maybe they’re nuzzling into my fingers and looking into my eyes, sending us both their love.

36 thoughts on “Bittersweet News

    • Thanks, me too. The worst would be if they didn’t find anything. I hate dead ends. At this point I’m ready and willing to take any and all medications to help this next embryo thrive.

  1. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Are you sure they didn’t test your tissue, since you are a healthy female? When we got the same results our RE said that can happen.
    Honestly, I really recommend looking into the the immunology stuff.
    Wishing you love and strength.

    • There is an RE two cities away from me who claims to be an RPL specialist. I have been in contact with them, but they apparently won’t do immunology testing until 12 weeks after a D&C. I’m hoping that my RE approves the testing in time for us to get results before the FET. I’m even tempted to ask to be put on lovenox and aspirin (and maybe prednisone) regardless. If all else fails, off to NYC I go!

  2. This choked me up a bit. Birds are amazing aren’t they? I got a lot of solace from learning about the birds on my trip to Hawaii. particularly the iwa bird (pronounced Eva – which is my daughter’s name).
    I’m sorry you got that news and feel for you for what it means for why it’s not working.

    • Wow. What a moment- learning about the Iwa bird, and the significance to what you were going through then. I have never really been into birds or bird watching, but somehow they caught my attention this summer, and I have been fascinated with them ever since.

  3. Wow…that’s intense. It’s so crazy how the universe speaks to us. I’m sorry to hear about the results. It makes me so sad for you. My heart hurts. I wish they would give you more answers, but at least you got one that you were really looking to find out. I’m thinking of you guys…

  4. Oh boy. I’m just so sad for you, I have no words. I hope you get some answers soon and you can get to the next chapter of this journey. I’m thinking of ya!

    • I know. So sad. But now we know that my eggs aren’t all bad, and have some direction in terms of what to investigate next. I just hate thinking that the miscarriage could have been prevented in some way or another.

      • Sometimes miscarriages happen even when there was no external, preventable reason. This must be so confusing though. You are so healthy and aware, I can’t imagine there was anything different you could have done.

  5. This gave me chills. Birds have totally sent me messages on my journey. Please keep listening to the birds (unless you think I’m crazy. Then do it anyway.)

    I’m going to be bossy here and say I would not do any more cycling without proper immune testing at this point. I am so sorry for your loss and the normal news. This is a hallmark of immune-driven loss. Please email if you want to chat about testing. Celiac can be a marker for other immune issues as you likely know but particularly in reproductive immunology.

    I am sending you a big, warm hug and gentle energy to get through these sad days as you think about your lost daughter and work to advocate for yourself and the spirit of the baby that clearly wants to come home to your arms with a little help and immune support.

    • I agree that the immune testing needs to be done first, which is why I’m so frustrated with my fertility clinic avoiding my emails and calls for two weeks. I will do another post in a moment with what their immune testing involves. I would love your feedback, as I am not convinced that it is comprehensive. For example, they don’t test for NK cells- which may be a testing limitation in Canada, but I’m not sure. Thank you for the hug and support. I really do think that the birds were speaking to me, and trying to console me.

  6. Oh that’s so hard. We never had tests done on ours but the ultrasound technician said the one she saw looked perfect for an 8wk old when it must have died. They only test here once you’ve had 3 MC’s, which is why we used a naturopath to help us get some answers. I love the idea of a bird feeder. In our (Maori) culture, traditionally birds are seen as messengers between the world of spirits and humankind. Where we live is alive with beautiful native birds and they bring us such peace and entertainment! Thinking of you.

    • That’s so beautiful- the Maori relationship with birds. I’m sorry about your loss as well. It’s so hard.

      I made the “tea” you shared with me yesterday, and it was delicious and very warming! I added a tbsp of honey too. Thank you for that.

      • Ahh I’m so glad you tried and enjoyed it. The wife adds raw sugar and I have mine plain but would add honey or coconut sugar if I wanted it sweeter. I find the cinnamon we use (which her family sends from the Caribbean) to be sweeter than usual stuff so don’t need anything else. Did you find fresh bay or use dried leaves?

  7. The Universe speaks to us through animal symbolism all the time…I think this was beautiful, and it sounds like your massage therapist shared something with you (and you shared with her) exactly what needed to be so you could get this particular message.

    I hope and pray you get some answers, and are given the proper treatment so the next time a child leaves your womb, it is into your arms.

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