Home » in between time » Faith? Therapy Part II

Faith? Therapy Part II

Apparently I need to believe in some greater plan that things will work out the way that they are supposed to.

I had my second session with my therapist, and I left feeling worse than before our session. I was really unsettled, and I’m not sure if that is normal- to have a finished puzzle taken apart and shaken up because the process of putting things back together is the therapy.

About a week ago, I started to notice that the shock of our miscarriage started to wear off. The bouts of crying at random times has significantly reduced. I’m starting to pick up the pieces of my life, I am starting to be more aware of my feelings in a more rational way. I feel like I am starting to grieve properly.

Then, at some point this week, I realize that I only have one month left until my reevaluation with our GP, and that as it stands right now, I’m supposed to return to my hellhole of a workplace the first week of December. Of course, my GP says that she won’t have me return until I’m ready, but as far as my workplace is concerned, I’m supposed to return in a month. This terrifies me, as I feel like I’m just starting to heal, and have taken a few steps back because of my work-related anxiety. I haven’t been sleeping again, and am finding myself dwelling on things out of my control- like the timing of our next FET.

DW has also been unhealthily busy at work- with her principals course once, sometimes twice a week, her union meetings out of town, and the extracurriculars she runs for the kids after school (I do really miss the extracurriculars that I did with my students- they were what fulfilled me at the end of a really long day). Bless my wife, she comes home then has so much prep to do for her lessons the next day, because she is the “yes” person at her school- the problem solver who takes on more work to alleviate timetable conflicts in the school. I believe I was that person at my work, except, I never actually said “yes”, but ended up being that person, miscarrying at the peak of stress- and that is part of why I am terrified to go back to work.

Anyway, at my therapy session yesterday, I was stuck in my own head. I could only catch bits and pieces of what the therapist was saying. I also felt like she didn’t “get” me yesterday, so much of what she said wasn’t connecting with me. She was also having some repairs done on her home, and her dog barked the entire hour at the repair men, so that distracted me as well.

But I did take home some good points that she raised:

– I need to start using my voice and standing up for myself. If I advocate for myself, people will adjust to it, and will respect me more. I need to respect myself more.

– I need to let my GP know that I have a mental fixation on this official “end date” for my medical leave. Perhaps she will reassure me that it is open-ended, as needed. DW is certain that our GP agreed that I should be off the entire semester, but that she wanted to be kept in the loop via reevals. Sometimes I won’t let myself believe that people will stick to their word, I guess.

– I need to work on my anxiety. She recommended meditation, and a vision/dream board. I’ve been going to yoga every other day this week, and will try to make it more often if possible, because it ends in a meditation component. I can’t seem to bring myself to a meditative state on my own for some reason. I’ve also noticed that I’m feeling uneasy about making a vision board (of where I see my life in the future), because it includes things that would absolutely break my heart if they didn’t happen. Basically- kids.

This is where she said I need to have faith. Not necessarily in a Jesus Christ kind of way, but just a knowing that things will work out such that I’m happy. So having faith that there is some master plan, and all the worrying in the world won’t change it. That all of my attempts at controlling situations won’t change the overall outcome.

I don’t know the rules around having faith. Do I just have faith that my babies will happen? Do I just have faith that work will miraculously treat me with the respect and fairness that I deserve? Do I just have faith that DW will be happy with her decision to be or not to be a vice-principal? Do I just have faith that we will be able to love where we live and have enough money to live comfortably? Can I assume that my life will be a fully happy one just on faith?

I don’t know how to have faith. My life experience has me believing that you make your own fate. You work hard, and it pays off most times. If you don’t put forward an effort, things are unlikely to happen for you. I am in control of my own actions, and subsequently the results of those actions.

But, there’s also the other part of each interaction- the response from the world. That part I can’t control, and that’s what is giving me the anxiety. Even if I prepare my body perfectly for this next FET, anything can happen. I have no control over that outcome. Even if I talk (again) with my administration and department heads about my work concerns, will they dismiss them again like they did that first week? Or will they reconsider their poor planning as it resulted in me (possibly miscarrying and) going off on a medical leave? I have no idea.
Faith would have me just trusting that everything will work out. The therapist described it as a “things will rearrange and the puzzle pieces will naturally fall into place”. I have a very hard time with believing this.

DW thinks that having faith is more knowing that whatever happens, we will adjust our lives to be happy. We have each other, and if we don’t have babies, we will have the time and money to go on amazing trips and continue to eat organic food.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can be happy with that. There will always be a large chunk missing. Sadly, at this point, for me, life will be incomplete without our babies. There is a part of my heart that is reserved for loving them, and if they don’t come, it doesn’t just get used for something else. It will just be a big empty void. A reminder of how my body failed, and of how cruel this world really is.

So maybe knowing that these kids are my deal breaker with the world, I should have faith that they will come into fruition?

15 thoughts on “Faith? Therapy Part II

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through all this. I feel like I could have written this post myself, as I am undergoing similar mental processes….(We have ‘only’ had a few unsuccessful IUI’s though). I’m not a religious person, but I have found myself praying for peace..a peace of mind to accept whatever the outcome of this journey may be. So far I haven’t found it either.

    • Faith is such an interesting thing- some people buy into it so quickly, and convince themselves every step of the way that things (even bad ones) are meant to happen, and have a greater meaning. Others, like me, can’t seem to buy into it. Like you, I’m trying my best to invite peace and joy into this process, and I hope we find it soon.

  2. Faith is something that’s important to me. I cling to it when going through hard times, and I’m grateful for it during the good times. I have all the faith in the world that you’ll be a mama some day. I truly believe that with my whole heart and soul, because YOU will make it happen.

    I’ve also been a long-time believer in vision boards. I make one each year, and am always surprised at how they manage to come to fruition. Maybe in part due to fate, but also in part because I make these things happen. I know so much of this TTC stuff is completely out of your control, but you’re doing exactly what you need to do to make this happen for you. And it will.

    • Thank you Lindsay. How do you go about pulling out the pieces of your vision board? Like- how do you get them to reveal themselves? I’m so stuck in the concrete that I think I need to spend some time in introspection.

  3. I am a fan of the “fake it till you make it” philosophy, which could be called a kind of pessimistic faith. Basically, I keep telling myself that I DO believe that things will work out, even if the other side of my brain is saying “bullshit” and I behave as though I believe. I don’t think that the world always works out, but I do believe that by acting as though something is true, you change your mental perspective and adjust to things in a different way. Does that make sense? It’s tricking yourself. And the funny thing is, when you (and by you I mean me and the general ‘you’) self correct your own thoughts/behaviors/language, you eventually DO believe and behave that way, without having to do the ‘tricking’ anymore. ❤ and hugs to you friend, you are in a hard spot.

  4. I both am and am not religious (recovering Catholic, so atheist with the superstition and guilt). The type of faith I have is that no matter what happens I will always return to a place where I have a good life and will find a way to be happy. My wife and I were talking about that the other day. Because we’re unwilling to do IVF or anything very expensive, and adoption may not work out, that we could both be happy childless if need be. That conversation really made me feel better and less anxious about trying.

    If the therapist isn’t the one for you, you should find another. It’s worth the hassle to find someone who gets you.

    • Thanks for the perspective. Mine is similar to yours most days, in that I will find a way to be happy without kids if need be, but other days I am not so sure.

      I agree about the therapist. I will give it another session to determine if we are a good fit.

  5. Damn. I wrote the longest most heart and soul searching comment and just lost it. I cannot possibly recreate that so I simply want you to know I really empathize with the work you’re doing to heal and find what faith means to you and I wish you well doing that. It’s a huge job. But worth it.

  6. Ops. This is why I don’t normally comment on my phone.
    Anyways, I place a lot of my non traditional faith in hope. Not necessarily hope that I will get exactly what I want (because clearly as we are both IF bloggers, we aren’t getting exactly what we want), but hope that I will survive whatever happens today and tomorrow. Even more so, I hope that I will accept and be okay with the outcome and my husband and I will be happy, even if we choose not to have children in the end. Hope, that’s my version of faith. Some days it’s shaky, but most days or at least gives me enough that I keep going back and letting her into my heart.
    I recommend that if you aren’t connecting with your psychologist find a new one. I’d be lost today if it weren’t for our amazing psychologist so I highly recommend finding a new one if you can.
    Also, I really recommend doing whatever you can to stay out of work until you are ready to go back. It was unbelievably hard for me to walk away and eventually resign after our 4th loss, but right now, I know it was the best thing we did. I don’t think I could have survived and begun to heal/recover if I didn’t take this time. That said, I realize resigning is not an ideal solution long term, so I hope you don’t have to take the route I did.
    Wishing you the best as you continue wading through all of this. I do hope that in the end you will not have to face a life without a living child, it’s a cruel reality that no-one who has a mother’s heart and lost babies should face.

  7. Personally, I put more weight in hope than faith. Faith is a tricky one. It’s basically counting on the universe to come through for you when we all know perfectly well how messed up the universe can be. Hope is on me. I prefer it that way.

    All that aside, I’m glad to hear the shock is wearing off a bit. Keep taking care of yourself. You’re on the right track.

  8. “Faith is an oasis in the heart which can never be reached by the caravan of thinking.”– Kahlil Gibran
    Faith is one of those things, that if you overthink, isn’t faith anymore. Faith is believing that things are as they should be. In my life, I’ve realized that faith is more along the lines of throwing your hands up, being in the moment, and hoping for the best outcome. Whatever comes, you deal with that. Sometimes when I would leave therapy, I would be in this place that was 10x’s worse than where I was. It left me over thinking everything, trying to make sense of things that didn’t, and I think that’s the point! To let you sit with things, deal with those emotions, try to sort them out on your own. Sometimes you do, and sometimes you don’t, but by that time, it’s back to your session. If I can give you some advice, write some of the things that you are dealing with this week (in regards to your session) and bring them up next week. Write little notes when you sort some things out, and write little notes for the ones that you don’t. I know that it was a tremendous help for me. The most important thing to remember, is to be gentle with yourself. Therapy is meant to bring things up, cause some confusion, have things not makes sense (initially). It’s all part of the process. Remember, that it takes time to “heal”. I wish you strength and courage through this journey of self-discovery. I’m right there with you!

    • Thank you for all of this! I love the quote, and the advice on writing things down and taking notes on them. In some ways, this blog is my effort in recording the things that are bothering me, but I rarely revisit it. I also feel like I maybe had some faith a week or so ago, when I felt like I was settling into the way that things had turned out. But then we got the news that the embryo was chromosomally normal and all of these investigations happening on the miscarriage being due to my body that I guess I went back into anxiety “no faith” mode. You’re right, it takes time, and I am sure that with time I will start to be okay with things again.

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