Home » FET#4 » Happiness Cycle Day 9- Soup

Happiness Cycle Day 9- Soup

*Warning: lots of ranting in this post today*

To be honest, today didn’t start off very well. I had really bad insomnia last night, and just cuddled with the little dog on the couch watching the Christmas tree lights twinkle, trying to talk myself down.

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The big dog fast asleep in the chair.

I had a couple of nice calm days this week, I’d even say that they were happy days, but then this new natural killer cell information has sent me down the rabbit hole. I feel anxious, angry, and more angry. Mostly with the way in which the Canadian public health care system works, but also with the way that things have worked out for us this year. Hands down, this has been the worst year of my adult life. I used to love teaching, and this year, I have hated it enough to consider going back to being a chiropractor. My wife has been ridiculously busy and stressed, and I feel like we’ve both been doing the minimum to get through each week. I miss my friends back home. I hate living in the suburbs, and wish we could move back downtown, as the only times I’ve felt restored recently is when I’ve had a chance to wander around downtown. I like to do things, see things, experience things, and other than working out at the gym or hiking with my dogs on the beautiful conservation lands, there’s nothing to do here. It’s hard to justify driving in too often, as traffic and parking are terrible, but I think I need to just suck it up and make more trips in. I miss working too, but the thought of going back to my school makes my anxiety worse. If only I could go back to any of my previous schools. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Bottom line, I’m super unhappy right now, and that doesn’t even include how I feel about all of this TTC stuff.

Yesterday, I felt really hopeful about this upcoming FET. I saw my TCM doctor, and while I was resting with acupuncture needles in, I had daydreams of sitting on a dock on an Indian Summer evening with our child. He was about 4 years old, and we were fishing. I felt so good, like I knew this cycle was going to work.

Today, I woke up and laid in bed for a couple of hours, unmotivated, full of sadness. I am frustrated with our fertility clinic for not responding to my email sent earlier this week about pairing the intralipid treatment with some steroids, which is the typical treatment for high NK cells. Their reluctance to answer my questions, or give me any access to the specialist boils my blood. I have to communicate through the nurses, who generally don’t get back to me, and if they do, it’s usually after a week or two (ie. untimely). This brought up a whole bunch of old resentment that I have against this clinic. I wish they had tested us for all of the immune issues earlier, so that we wouldn’t have blown through six embryos. It makes me sick to think that we’ve only got one left, and that if we want to continue, it’s going to be a whole new round of IVF, which will be so physically, emotionally, and financially taxing. And while I want to think positively about this FET, the fact is that each of our three attempts at double embryo transfers only ever yielded single implantations. I know many people have had success with single embryo transfers, but having a 50% implantation rate with a single embryo means that we are going into this FET with a smaller likelihood of success than any of our other attempts. And what if the intralipids don’t make a difference? It’s apparently experimental, and many RE’s don’t believe in them. The top RE’s in the States recommend that intralipids are always paired with a corticosteroid to be effective, but my RE won’t respond to my request for them. And knowing how strict they are about things being “medically necessary”, I doubt that he will prescribe them for me. I am beyond frustrated here. I am feeling hopeless.

Oh, and after several months of super stable TSH levels, my endocrinologist called today to say that my levels went up a bit, though is still under 1. That could explain why I have been feeling a bit lethargic and under the weather lately.

I spent most of the day today stressfully running errands. I completed an assignment for an online course that I’m doing to get my guidance counsellor qualifications, I went grocery store hopping to get items for DW’s principals class tomorrow (she is providing breakfast for her entire class), and I took the dogs out. I also tried out a Taiwanese Beef Noodle Soup recipe that I saw on YouTube. It turned out really well.

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But my favourite part of the day was my workout this evening. I did 20 minutes of rope climbing treadmill tabatas, which have become my favourite warm-up recently. Then I did 15 minutes of high intensity interval sprints on the treadmill. It felt soooo good to run and push myself. Later, I bumped into a friend of DW’s from her university days. He is this huge, jacked guy that she used to do powerlifting with, and he eggs me on, trying to get me to lift heavy weights. He invited me to lift with him today, which was super nice, but terrified me because I’m not my wife. You see, my wife is a meathead (I say this with great fondness for meatheads, as I am a lanky ectomorph who has always worked so hard for muscle), and weight lifting is seriously a talent of hers. She barely works out nowadays (maybe once every two weeks if she is lucky), and can do endless amounts of unassisted chin-ups. She does a couple of push-ups and her muscles engorge. Seriously talented. Anyways, my muscles, not so much. They are long and sinewy. I work hard on them, but my real strength is in general low-med intensity endurance. I can run forever at a moderate pace, and feel good doing it, but it’s boring. I love lifting weights, but suck at it, and so I was nervous that they would see how weak I am despite how hard and how frequently I work out. Today, we did squats and deadlifts, and because I was frustrated and anxious today, I went heavier than I usually do, and didn’t count reps, just went to failure. When I compared my weights to what DW usually lifts, I was pleased with myself. I did well today. That was my happy moment- lifting heavier than my wife does. Then I went home and feasted on my awesome Taiwanese Beef Noodle soup.

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12 thoughts on “Happiness Cycle Day 9- Soup

  1. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time today, but honestly I’m not surprised. After our bad news appointment re reproductive immunology was easily some of my worst days in all of our RPL experiences. For me, it’s hard knowing their is a reason and even harder knowing that the reason is my body. All this bad news is hard to take and when you don’t fully trust your doctor it makes everything so much worse.
    I absolutely understand your comment about this year being the hardest of your adult life – I am so right there with you! I wish neither of us had to feel that way and had to endure the heartache that we have. It really does seem unfair.
    But, on the other hand, I love that you had such a successful time at the gym and that soup looks amazing!! And I love even more that you were able to see that through all the bad.

  2. I am sorry today was so rough (and also this year was so difficult). I am not sure where you are located in Canada, but are you very far from Albany, N.Y? (Or Syracuse or Rochester? They have offices there too? I was able to do intralipids and also use a steroid. Treatments there are probably the least expensive compared to any place in the US ( but I am sure more expensive compared to the Canadian healthcare system). You might want to check them out if you are not too far away.

  3. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, you’ve had such a difficult year and I’m sorry for you. You’re dealing with it the best you can, and working it out, literally. I love the pic of the dog and the christmas tree 🙂 sending hugs.

      • 2013 was one of the worst years of my life. I’ll tell you sometime. Even though J and i got together, which was amazing, there were so many awful other things. She always said 2014 would be a year positive things would finally rain down on me, and for the most part, they have. I believe that you’ll come up for air and things will start to fall into place. Ot just sucks that sometimes it takes so long.

      • Yeah, I know it can’t last forever. I’m keeping an eye out for the light at the end of this TTC tunnel. I’d love to hear your story. I’m glad that you’re on the other side of it now.

  4. This soup looks amazing. Do you have the link to the video/recipe? So far, I think we’ve try to make everything you’ve posted.

    • Thanks! I didn’t really follow a recipe (soups are very forgiving this way), but I will post some instructions soon. It was super delicious, and perfect for the season 🙂

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