Okay, so I’m back. I spent
some time the entire time sulking about our last blastocyst not sticking around, about our grand IVF failing, about being two years older, 3 miscarriages wiser, and thirty plus grand poorer.
Infertility as a Prison
The only way I can describe how I feel is by comparing it to being in prison (which, is quite a silly analogy because I’ve never been to prison, and I’m sure that my assumptions will piss a whole whack of people off). I feel like we are stuck in IF (infertility) prison- friends and family visit once in a while, sharing details of their normal daily lives, which feels foreign to me because my life has been all about IF prison and getting out of it. Visitors try to express their sympathies for me, but it just comes off as pity, which makes me sort of angry, but I’ll take anything because I feel so alone. They tell me stories of how so-and-so’s SIL got out of IF prison once she stopped stressing about it, and how IF prison can’t be that bad- you’re off work and get to work out and go to yoga classes in the slammer. Friends are either scared to tell you that they were granted Furlough, because no one gets Furlough, and really, they will be super stressed the entire time that they are out of IF prison, scared that they will be sent back there early, a miscarriage. You develop friendships with other IF prisoners, a real sisterhood, sharing your dreams of getting out, oooohing and awwing at sistahs-who-got-out’s baby bumps, which you are genuinely happy about, but it still stings a bit because you’re still stuck in IF prison, without any chance at parol in the near future. That is, until you start a new IUI or IVF, and you start planning your appeal/speech at your parol hearing, when new hope is restored that you will finally get out of this shithole, especially with your good behaviour. And you believe it. You believe that the cocktail of drugs, infusions, herbs, acupuncture, energy healing, and exorbitantly expensive amounts of CoQ10 will do the trick. You try and try, getting more desperate each time, and if you’re like us, and have been at it for a long time, all of the IF rookies you started with have gotten out and are enjoying their lives with their babies, and you feel particularly slighted by fate. When will it be your turn? Rest assured, will get out of IF prison, with or without a baby, if it doesn’t break your spirit first. In the meantime, we watch longingly from the sad side of the fence.
Don’t worry, I managed to pick myself up off the floor, and there is a plan in place, which I will share with y’all after the massive leg day I do in the IF prison yard today.