Home » Pregnancy 2015 » 13 Weeks

13 Weeks

Dumplin’ is the size of a peach or a jalapeño now. My belly hasn’t really changed since week 11, which has me convinced that my “bump” was definitely more bloat than bump. Maybe it’s shifting more to being a bump than bloat these days. I noticed a gradual decrease in the bloat after I stopped the progesterone suppositories, which makes sense.

I haven’t been sleeping well ever since last Friday’s abnormal NT scan. It’s weird, but it kind of made me go through some of the stages of grieving, even though nothing definitive has come up yet. I guess considering all of the possible outcomes has brought out a lot of feelings- for both myself and DW. We’ve both been crying pretty much everyday, and then feeling guilty for not celebrating Dumplin’ all moments of the day. It’s kind of like being in limbo- we’re scared to act as if everything is perfect with the pregnancy, in case… Just in case we’re let down again by life. But by preparing ourselves for the worst possible outcome, I have felt bad about how I’m treating Dumplin’. I haven’t allowed myself to be as connected to her, I’ve pretended that she doesn’t exist. It’s terrible, and I feel super bad about it. So as of yesterday, I told DW that I’m going to pretend we never got this stupid NT test done, and continue loving and baby dreaming about Dumplin’. I think she must be able to sense how I feel about her. I love her so much. We both love her so much. She is safe inside me. 

My family doctor has been amazing with trying to get us in to see the genetic counsellor (this Tuesday), and with submitting paperwork for funding the NIPT. We are still waiting to find out if we’ve been approved, and it’s taking longer than I expected. I thought I’d hear back by now. 

I’m still spotting a couple of times a week. I’ve noticed it happens a couple hours after I’ve had an orgasm or have been physically active. I’m not sure about the status of the SCH, but I’m assuming it’s still around. 

As the weather gets warmer, I find my dreadlocks to be a bigger and bigger pain. I love them, and feel most like myself when my hair is in natural dreads. It’s such an easy hairstyle too- I pretty much don’t do anything to them. Because I’ve had them so long now, they are self-maintaining. My longest dreads reach halfway down my back, and they are gorgeously mature. The problem is that they’re getting really heavy, and when I wash them, I’m nearly putting my neck out because they’re waterlogged. They are also super insulating around my neck and shoulders, which makes it hard to sleep sometimes. The weight of them is also starting to pull too much on my hair follicles, and I’m getting scalp irritation in some areas of my head. For all of these reasons, I have decided to part with my dreads. Now I bet a lot of you are wondering if I have to shave my head, and the answer is no. I’ve been patiently combing out each dreadlock. Since they are natural dreads (knots form on their own, and with my own hair) the mats are easier to comb out. I’ve already taken out 10 dreads in two days. I’m shocked by how little hair I have left, but I think it’s just that my hair is naturally very fine. It’s gonna be a thin straggly mess when I’m done, but I am going to Pinterest some hair styles that I might have my hair cut to. Combing out my dreads has always been a very emotional experience for me. I’ve done it three times, and each time it’s coincided with a major life transition. Maybe this time it is my soul welcoming motherhood?

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35 thoughts on “13 Weeks

  1. I’ve never had dreads, I’ve always found them fascinating. I am sure it is a labor of love to have them and develop them, so it doesn’t surprise me that it’s a labor of love and sadness to see them go!

  2. I never had dreads but I did have a lot of piercings. It’s funny you mention the approaching motherhood thing. I think I may have been feeling like as a mother I shouldn’t have all these anymore… Not long before DD I had plastic surgery to repair/do away with my stretched earlobes (or my extra anuses as DW so lovingly called them). I was paranoid about sprinkler nipple or blocked milk ducts, so I took out my nipple piercings around when we started trying for DD. My nose ring came out not long after, then I had to get a third knee surgery after DD was born (damn relaxin hormones made my cartilage tears bad) where I had to take out the rest of my piercings. I just never put them back in (a couple years later I missed at least my tragus and rook so I had those redone). You’re going to love the light, fresh feeling of having a new haircut… Feeling fingers being run through your hair… Mmmm I’m a total scalp sensation addict.

    • Wow! We have a lot in common in this respect. I had a lot of piercings too (lots in my cartilage, tragus, labret, nipples, nose, belly), but have gradually removed them since entering the work force (kept tragus, nose, and regular earlobes). I stretched my ears as well, but mine shrunk back to almost normal size. Question- any problems breast feeding after removing your nipple piercings? I’m worried about becoming a sprinkler! Yeah, I still get mistaken for a teenager sometimes, and I kind of feel like it’s time to look more my age. I will miss my dreads though… So much.

      • Nope! Not at all actually. I never had any milk come out the piercing hole either, like I thought might happen. I think they functioned just like any other mothers’ do. I was definitely a sprinkler when my boobs were just too full between feeds, but no more than the next mom. 🙂

  3. There’s definitely something poetic about combing out the dreads as your body changes to accommodate Dumplin. (Especially if they’ve been causing irritation–the last thing you need while pregnant is anything extra to make you uncomfortable!) I have to say, though–I seriously love your dreads! But I can’t wait to see you without them!

  4. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not the dreads!!!! But I completely understand where you are coming from. My hair isn’t locked, but it’s curly as hell, and can get really really heavy when it’s wet…Even though my hair only looks like it’s a little past shoulder length, the reality is that is it 3/4 of the way down my back! I too, tend to cut my hair (and usually very short) when something is going on in my life. With the possibility of FET and the dramatic changes that could potentially happen in my life, my initial reaction was “I wanna cut it off!! All off!!” But for right now i’m refraining because it’s taken me a while to grow it out.

    Embracing Dumplin’ now is so important because no one knows what is really gonna happen. We leave it in the hand of a higherpower…It could be amazing results and you’ll feel terrible because you didn’t acknowledge her now, but on the flip side of that, it could be not so great news and you’ll feel back because you didn’t enjoy or embrace all those little moments too…I can only imagine what you and DW are going through, but so glad that you are deciding to live in the now, and until completely PROVEN otherwise, little dumpling is safe, and warm, and loved by the both of you, and right now, that’s really all she needs…sending lots of love…and pouring some “yac” on the sidewalk in memory of my homies, your dreads…lol!

    • Lol. Thanks! Yeah I’m having cold feet now with the dread removal, even though about a fifth of my hair is already undone. You’re itchin’ for a change too eh? What are you gonna do since you won’t cut your hair? Yeah, I feel better living in the present right now. The waiting is killing me though.

      • I’m not sure! I probably am going to cut it all off…I posted about it a few weeks ago on FB…i like the freedom of short hair and just getting up and going…i just hate that in between phase when it starts to grow out…i might start wearing braids again, but that tends to rip my hair out after a few weeks…not sure…might just go red! WHo knows!

  5. I’m sorry you are having to live day to day not having answers about your results. I’m sure you are antsy to speak to the genetic counselor. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude about not letting it interfere with the dumplin bonding! Thinking of you!

    • Thank you. I’m mostly anxious to have that NIPT test done, since it can screen us with 99% accuracy. But for now, we will continue to love on little Dumplin’ like she deserves.

  6. It took us quite a bit of time after our abnormal scan results to get back to feeling happy about the pregnancy – my wife and I both definitely felt a similar feeling of disconnect, and it was strange to feel like this thing that brought us so much happiness (pregnancy) was also making us cry so much. I think eventually, we kind of ran out of tears and then slowly moved back to feeling more positive. Hope your NIPT approval hurries on up! Have been thinking of you all and wondering whether things are moving along with that. Waiting is so hard.

  7. Oh, dreads! I had them for a few years and can totally understand the weight of them. Once they got to the middle of my back, it was just too much. Even piling them on top of my head was too much and I’d have a headache by the end of the day. I was all dramatic about getting rid of mine though and cut my hair really short. I was so sad to part with them, but the first time I walked outside with short hair and felt the wind on my scalp, it was heavenly!

  8. Little Dumplin is so loved and cared for. I know she feels that and she’s a fighter. I hope you can have NIPT soon. Your dreads are gorgeous, but sacrificing them for your comfort is a good idea right now. As you progress you’re going to need all the comfort you can find! Sending hugs and hope.

  9. I have been thinking of cutting my (quite long) hair for the last couple of weeks and debating whether to do it or not because I feel as though it is signally another huge shift for me, too. Major hair changes for me usually accompany or foreshadow major attitude and/or life shifts too. I’m putting my hope and faith in your thought that you are welcoming this soul into your life and heart with this hair transition.

  10. I get (on some levels), how you have been feeling – I think for about the first 22 weeks I couldn’t truly believe that this time we were going to have a baby that lived. So although I’d feel happy, I was also depressed and scared to really believe it all wasn’t going to go horribly wrong. So although I felt bonded to him to some extent, I also was remaining disconnected as well. I felt guilty that I wasn’t loving him like I should. I felt upset when he wasn’t a girl too as we’d strongly felt both babies we had lost were girls, and I’d always expected to have a girl. Ugh. It was all a bit awful. But after a big talk with the wife I somehow allowed my self to just take that leap and love him & it’s been so much better ever since.
    As for your dreads – bummer to lose them but I definitely understand the weight issue with super thick heavy long hair myself. I’ve been thinking about a hair cut but want to be able to tie it up so won’t be going drastic!

    • It’s interesting that you mention that the babies you’d lost were girls and how you always expected to have a girl. I have a strong feeling Dumplin’ is a girl too, but I wonder if it’s some manifestation of my guilt for losing little Spark, who was also a girl. Maybe in some way, by growing and birthing another girl will make the pain of losing a previous girl feel less painful? Either way, I have been referring to Dumplin’ as a girl because it’s easier than doing the he/she, him/her pronoun thing all the time. I don’t have a preference for sex. I just really hope that he/she is healthy.

      I’ve taken out half of my dreads and I’m feeling major regret already. I’m scared to take them out. It’s taken so long to get them to this stage, and I have always hated my hair when not in dreads. *sigh*

      • Yes I was worried that having a boy would leave me still angst-ing for a girl. I guess I have just put that aside and believe that I’ll love this boy as much as a girl…there’s also stuff for me around the fact that we’d been going to use known donors who would’ve been actively involved in the child’s life. So having a boy or girl wouldn’t have made a difference. Having a boy without the donor involved (he lives in Australia even though he’s willing to be known), is daunting to me. Additionally, our donor and his partner couldn’t have children. I’ve worried as well that when they meet him it will be even harder for the partner as she will be seeing a little tiny version of her man. I felt like a little girl first might have made that easier on her as the girl might have seemed more like me than like her man. I personally would find it so hard to see a little version of my partner in another mother’s arms if I had been unable to have a child. So much baggage – gah! But Toku and I talked sometime after the 20 week scan (as she was confused as to why I was still depressed), and we decided that we should just icing our blessings that he is healthy – all the rest will work itself out. If he had had major health issues then we’d have to be dealing with that alongside any other ‘imagined potential scenarios’ I was playing out ahead of time in my head. She’s a wise woman and I took it on board and feel so much better now. (Although I still have nervous days about raising a boy! And sign when I see especially cute girls clothes!)

      • It sounds like a lot of thought has gone into all of it, and a lot of work has been done to get to where you are now. I’m glad that you and Toku have good communication and can support each other through everything. I am sure that you will love that boy like you never imagined you could.

  11. You must just feel like you are in limbo – the waiting is just so awful for anything relating to ttc and pregnancy. It always feels like it’s your entire future in the balance. I’m not surprised there have been lots of tears – that is a natural response – and like you say a kind of grieving. I think it’s great to try to focus on cherishing what you have – you can’t predict the future (although of course, I spend all my time trying to do exactly that). Exciting about the dreads coming out – it must be a big psychological shift – kind of like changing jobs, or moving house. A new you for a new stage of life 🙂 x

    • You summarized it perfectly with “your entire future in the balance”. We are still waiting for approval for the NIPT, and it’s now been almost a week. It’s frustrating because another blogger in the same area had hers approved in 2 days. We weren’t prepared to have to wait this long. Emotionally, it’s just torture.

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