Happiness Cycle Day 14: Downtown

DW took the day off work today, as we had a day of medical appointments, in town and out of town. She has also been so busy and overworked so far this semester that she really needed a “mental health” day as well.

I must mention that I finally had a good sleep last night, after almost a week of terrible anxiety-induced insomnia.

This morning DW made me a decaf coffee (such a nice treat to be served coffee in the morning), we gave the dogs got some consolation pats on the head, and we were on our way.

Our first stop was the fertility clinic’s satellite clinic, which is in our city. I needed to have my blood work and ultrasound monitoring again. Things are on track, with my uterine lining measuring 9.4 today, up from 8.7 of two days ago. I also got a “present” from one of the receptionists, who wasn’t working today, but had mentioned last time I was in that “she’d give me a troll to put down my pants”. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but she meant Treasure Trolls, those dolls from the 80’s, for good luck. We joked about for a bit- especially the part about putting one down my pants. Anyway, today, the phlebotomist nurse gave me this on behalf of the receptionist:

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So thoughtful and sweet!

After that, we headed downtown, to see my family doctor. I was really nervous and stressed about this appointment, not knowing how to describe and explain the overwhelming emotions and feelings that I have been experiencing since the miscarriage. When we got there, my family doctor was super attentive, gave me room to talk, listened patiently and compassionately, and gave some good advice. I shared with her how depressed and anxious I have been feeling, how it has continued to affect my sleep and made me weary of socializing with friends who aren’t aware of our situation. She had me complete some forms: a depression questionnaire, an anxiety questionnaire, and a survey on the impact of my feelings on my activities of daily living. It was the first time that I had taken inventory of various aspects of my depression and anxiety, and how it has been affecting me beyond just my feelings and sense of hope for the future. This whole time I’ve been so consumed and obsessed with our miscarriage(s) and getting back to making babies that I completely lost sight of how I have been doing as a person. I mean, I knew that I was depressed, and I knew that I had an anxiety problem, but I had always placed them under the context of the miscarriage, and not really that they themselves are focal points that need to be addressed.

I have battled depression before, and had reached a nice homeostasis with Wellbutrin for years. When I first met DW, I had already been on it for many years, but like most people with mental health issues, because I felt better, I thought “why not, let’s try life anti-depressant free!”. That was a couple of years ago, and for the entire time, I have been fine. However, with the fertility challenges and heartbreak of three miscarriages, I think my dear friend depression has snuck back into my life, and has brought his asshole friend anxiety along as back-up.

I have mentioned my emotional struggles on my blog many times, but didn’t realize how bad it has gotten until I answered those questionnaires, and saw and felt the true concern in DW’s and my family doctor’s feedback on how I seem, and have been behaving. I guess this is sort of what an intervention feels like. I’ve been so caught up in my own head, and needed to hear what other people are observing. My depression and anxiety are a big concern right now, and my family doctor is concerned enough about it to suggest that I start some medications right away. She suggested Cipralex, which is an SSRI, and is effective for both depression and anxiety. I would love feedback from anyone who has taken it before. She says that it is safe before, during, and after pregnancy, even though Dr. Google claims otherwise. But I am convinced that you can search anything and find support for it in the form of a online support forum. This I have learned from the all-consuming world of TTC.

She wants me to double check with the RE that he Cipralex won’t interfere/interact with all of the other stuff that I will be on: estrace, prometrium/endometrin, aspirin, fragmin, prednisone, intralipids. I’ve emailed the RE’s nurse, so hopefully I will hear back soon.

I have mixed feelings about taking the Cipralex. On one hand I think that it would be better for me to just tough it out, that it’s normal to have feelings of sadness and despair, or constant worry, given what I’ve been through. On the other hand, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that my depression and anxiety levels are abnormally high, and the culmination of evidence is that that can negatively impact our potential pregnancy even more than the small risk of cardiovascular defects and autism that have been reported but not confirmed. I look at DW, and some of you who seem “recovered” from your miscarriages, and wonder why I’m still stuck in this destructive loop of depression and anxiety. I realize now that it’s because I am struggling with an extra layer of mental illness.

Work has been harassing me again as well. In the past seven days, the person in charge of leaves has called me three times and emailed me once. This is after talking to her already the first time. She didn’t have anything new to discuss the subsequent times, but rather has been very negative and pushy in her tone. DW says that if she calls me again, that we should complain to the union. The last thing you want to do when you have an employee suffering from a mental health challenge is harass them.

Anyway, after my doctor’s appointment we went out for lunch at our favourite Vietnamese place.

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Then grabbed some baked treats down the street at this great little bakery we found by accident one day the last time we were here. I got a gluten-free chèvre cheesecake, and DW got “the best butter tart ever”, as well as a pear almond tort-like thing that has a fancy French name that I don’t remember.

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We then went shopping at our favourite outdoor store: Mountain Equipment Co-op, where we caught up on some much needed shopping, and bought a couple of early Christmas presents (me mostly).

We also got a call from our primary nurse today. I am supposed to start my long list of meds on Saturday, in preparation for our embryo transfer on Wednesday morning!

I hope that time moves fast, as I’m anxious for our last embryo to come home, but I also feel like I need some time to process everything that has happened today. The good, and the bad new.

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Gonna Look Like A Kardashian By The End Of The Month

Today is cycle day 7, and I have been on 6mg of Estrace daily for 5 days now, in preparation for our upcoming FET. I have already noticed some physical changes, which I’m not super happy with:

– my eyesight has changed again. Particularly my right eye, my cornea has changed shape, and my previously perfect fitting contact lens is not fitting my eyeball well anymore. It’s causing my eyelid to do a weird double fold thing. I am also noticing that street signs are blurry again through my right eye. I was JUST at the optometrist last week!

– my boobs are ginormous again. I have been wearing the same style of sports bra for at least a year now, with very little fluctuation, except for when I was pregnant. And when I was pregnant, my boobs basically inflated to the point where my sports bras (which are normally fitted, but with room to inhale comfortably) became like chest tourniquets. I literally worried about blood flow to my arms. Yesterday, I decided to get rid of all of my bras that don’t fit (8 of them, and sadly half being expensive Lululemon ones), and went out to buy two of the style and size that are still comfortable- stupidly, without trying them on. In my defense, I had just worn this size and style last week, so I figured it would be fine. WRONG! I was excited to put on one of the new bras today, and it is tight. Wearable, but tight. I’m an average chested girl to begin with- probably about a big B, but things are well on their way to full C-land. And since I don’t have pendulous boobs, the mass just seems to swell over my pecs, like a well endowed chicken you’d buy at the grocery store. I feel like my boobs are growing towards my face, terrified that they are going to choke out my thyroid, then suffocate me in my sleep. Yes, friends, this is what nightmares are made of.

– my pants are fitting a bit snug in the thighs. Fuck you estrogen! I’m consistently on a lower carb, paleo diet, with very few cheat meals just so this doesn’t happen! I weigh my food, track all my calories on myfitnesspal, and work out hard five days a week. What. The. Hell. Again, Fuck you estrogen!

– I’ve put on 4 pounds in the past 5 days (and I had previously been consistently at the same weight since last pregnancy ended). There is no way that this is from overeating. 4 pounds is a lot, people. In 5 days too! Again, Fuck you estrogen!

In all seriousness, I know that this is part of the process, and if taking the Estrace helps to make a really nice fluffy uterine lining for our embryo to implant, then so be it. But the side effects suck. Embryos/Fetuses have no use for huge mammaries. Curvy Venus butt and thighs are only useful if you’re auditioning for a Nicki Minaj video (think Anaconda). My eyesight is necessary for survival!

I’m worried friends, that I will look like Kim Kardashian (NSFW) by the end of the month- and I don’t mean her gorgeous face or lavish riches either. Though, it would be handy to have a shelf to place things, wherever you go, right?

FET#3: Cycle Day 3

Had blood work and a full bladder and empty bladder ultrasounds today. I also started my 6mg of oral Estrace, and boy is it giving me a pounding headache!

I’ve got tons of work to do today, but instead, I’m laying in bed, with the blinds closed, and my iPad on the lowest brightness possible.

I hope this goes away quickly, as I have to take my next dose in 3 hours!
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Fast-forward to 6pm, headache still ailing me. My lovely wife takes over my regular cooking shift and makes me a delicious bowl of gluten-free mac n cheese (plus a protein shake for good measure).

I have been in bed pretty much the entire day 😦

But at least I get served this in bed!

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I’m the luckiest girl!

Back in the Game FET #2

I haven’t been blogging much for a couple of reasons:

1. Work is kind of hellish right now, and my grandma once said to me: if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
2. Ball hockey season has begun, and between weekend tournaments and twice weekly games, I have zero extra time.
3. Nothing has been really happening in terms of our Gayby-making agenda…. Til now.

2014 has consisted of a whole lot of waiting so far. In fact, almost half a year of waiting. First, it was waiting for DW to have two menstrual cycles after her miscarriage, then it was waiting for her weird post-car-accident bleeding to pass, and then another period. Well, 5 months later, here we are.

DW finally bled on April 23rd, started Estrace 3x per day on April 25th, and adds prometrium and endometrin 3x per day as of tomorrow May 8th.

Finally, our 5-day blastocysts move in on Monday, May 12th.

We are very excited, but a little guarded about our emotions.

You’ll probably hear more from me soon!