Ugh… Symptoms

Despite being off the progesterone for two days now, it seems that my HCG continues to rise, and that this morning sickness just won’t quit.

Let me paint you a picture:

Wake up. Take my Synthroid with a full glass of water. Smell the faint trace of chlorination in the water, gag a little.

Dry heave. (I must be hungry).

Go to the kitchen, with intentions to make a healthy breakfast. Open the fridge to find inspiration. Become overwhelmed by the variety of potential aromas.

Dry heave, grab the gluten-free cupcake box, and slam the fridge door closed.

Decide to make a Non-Oprah chai tea latte to go with my salted caramel apple cupcake (since I have been depriving myself of caffeine since the beginning of this FET). Open the carton of lactose-free milk, imagine the musk of the udder that it was milked from, nearly hurl. Continue to steep tea and steam milk anyway.

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Bring my latte and cupcake outside to encourage the forced eating process a little bit. Split the cupcake in half to sandwich the icing. Lick my fingers that are covered in icing, taste too much coconut oil in the icing, almost hurl.

Scrape off icing and eat cupcake like it’s a muffin. Accidentally drop crumbs on the ground so that there is less volume for me to eat. (Dogs circling like sharks). Take so long to eat it that I am able to watch the melting of the vegan buttercream icing into a sloppy mess.

Chug my latte while pinching my nose closed.
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I don’t know if I can wait for this miscarriage to happen on its own. These symptoms plague me, and are not the happy reassurance that they once were.

Now, excuse me while I puke.

In Crisis

I have not slept for two nights. I have lost 3 lbs in 3 days. I can’t eat more than two half-portioned meals per day. I am 7 weeks pregnant.

This isn’t healthy.

So far, I’ve kept my spotting and bleeding of clots quiet from our RE. But today, I just felt sick about it all and emailed my primary nurse and told her what has been going on. Hopefully, I hear back from her tomorrow and maybe I can get an ultrasound to find out what’s going on.

Previously, I had been against taking a day off work (they highly discourage teachers taking sick days in my board- even though they are part of our compensation), because I’m a relatively new teacher (third year permanent), and it looks bad when you use them (even though we encounter hundreds of dirty teenager’s germs daily). Right now, my seat mate is sick with the flu, and I’m secretly angry at her for touching my stuff and coming to work at all!

Anyways, my new role is very physical. I have to travel two floors and across the length of the school to get from my first period class to my office and other two classes. Often, I am carrying 40lbs of textbooks and student binders, as well as other supplemental equipment from floor to floor. Today, I was carrying a stack of 40 magazines from the basement, up to the second floor, and felt a cramp in my abdomen. I stopped and waited until I saw two kids on washroom breaks and had them carry the rest to my classroom. I then had to go back an grab a class set of scissors, glue sticks, stack of cardboard poster boards, and a bin of markers. I had to make two more trips for that. In my classes, I am working with kids with significant developmental and intellectual challenges. Our kids are high school aged, but function at the reading and cognitive level of grades 1-6. They also have significant behavioural and maturity issues- so I am never sitting down at all in my classrooms. I am on my feet all day, dealing with students who are difficult to reason with and can often become violent in the classroom. Today, a student swore at me because I tried to help him brainstorm “other words” that he could use to express how he felt (rather than “fuck”).

It is physically, and emotionally taxing. I have been bleeding, and haven’t eaten or slept in two/three days. I am taking tomorrow off to re-group, but all I feel is the dread of having to go back there and managing my stress from my less-than-perfect pregnancy symptoms.

I am in crisis, and can’t seem to find a way out.

Back to the Gym

Living in fear is no way to live.

But since the transfer, I pretty much stopped all physical activity, aside from dog walks every other day with my lovely ladies. If you recall, exercise is pretty much my only method of stress relief, and the two-week-wait is extremely stressful, so I’ve pretty much been shit to be around. DW has been great though, letting me go at things at my own pace, pick our activities, change my mind, complain, get frustrated, then pass out for another nap and start all over again.

In the past couple of weeks we did some fun things.

We:

– went to Ripley’s Aquarium on our anniversary
– have dined at our favourite restaurants
– seen two films in theatre: Lucy and The Hundred Foot Journey
– driven into downtown on numerous occasions for gelato from our favourite chocolatier, Soma

Other than that, I’ve preferred couch lazing and watching Netflix over socializing. We’ve finished Rectify (which was amazing), and I am still making my way through The Mindy Project. Once school starts next week, I will have no time to watch anything.

However, I finally emerged from the couch potato haze, and returned to the gym two days ago. My muscles were feeling wasted and listless. They needed a pump!

With almost twenty years experience lifting weights, it was humbling to have to limit myself to a lighter workout. My TCM doctor strongly urged against me working out at all, but honestly, I was going crazy. I had to. For my health, and the health of my pregnancy.

But this is what I did:

Three giant sets of the following circuits with no rest between giant sets:

Giant Set 1 (x 3 sets):
8-10 overhand pull-ups (assisted)
10 push ups (off toes)
10 body weight squats
10 ball hamstring curls

Giant Set 2 (x 3 sets):
10-12 chin-ups with a lat pull down machine
10-12 bench press with a bar only
10 slow Bulgarian split squats
Plank
10-12 seated row

20 mins elliptical on a very low level to get lactic acid out of my legs

It felt so good. I was so energized, and sooo sore the next day and took it as a rest day.

Today, I’m back at the gym, a little less sore, but ready to go.

This is what I did:

Giant Set 1 (x 3 sets):
10-12 barbell curl
10-12 barbell military press
10-12 rope press down
10-12 rear delt fly

Giant Set 2 (x 3 sets):
10-12 overhand bicep curl
10-12 upright row
10-12 overhead tricep extension
10-12 lateral delt fly

20 minutes elliptical
20 minutes swimming and stretching in the pool

I’m so happy to be back!

Tomorrow is our competitive ball hockey team’s championship game, as well as the league’s season wrap-up banquet. Our team is defending first place, and I have to come up with an excuse for why I can’t play but will be watching instead. This is a team that we have been playing with for almost 5 years, and we love these girls. It’ll be weird for me not to play, as I usually make every single game. We’ll see how it goes!