All of my pregnancy symptoms had disappeared Wednesday and Thursday. No dizziness, no vertigo, no nausea, boobs way less sore, twinges gone.
I was sad and totally devastated.
Time was passing so slowly, and I analyzed every gas bubble and pinch from my belly, not to mention the colour of my used toilet paper.
Friday finally came, and we went for my repeat beta.
I was a bit hopeful because I had some nausea during the morning, and I felt bloated. I have never been so pleased to be bloated.
Three and a half hours later, we got the results of our repeat beta.
Wednesday’s beta: 33
Friday’s beta: 61
Not quite double yet, but increasing. We’re not out of the game. My doubling rate is 54 hours. Because my levels are under 100, the nurse says that I need to go in again in a week to check my HCG again. She sounded neither apologetic nor congratulatory, which was professional of her, but made me really sad. I am trying to stay positive, as the embryo is still in there, and the HCG is still increasing. I just hope that it continues to thrive and is not just a delay of the inevitable.
You see, with five embryos that have failed to make it past this second beta, we feel like we’re getting closer to our goal with this attempt. However, if this one miscarries too, I don’t know how we will recover from it.
To be honest, during these past two days, I have been contemplating many previously unthinkable things. Things like, I don’t know if we would bother with one more FET with our last embryo. If every single one of our embryos miscarried, it makes me wonder if the whole batch is bad. Maybe all of my eggs have a chromosomal abnormality that is still allowing them to look morphologically perfect. Maybe I’ll never be a biological mom because I’m defective. Then I start thinking about how much easier and luxurious life would be if we didn’t have kids (a consolation prize). We could go to Maui every Christmas and Spring Break, we could go to on an Olivia Vacation, we could sleep in and selfishly continue to play all of our team sports with our friends. After all, most of our teammates are lesbians who don’t have kids and they’re always going on amazing trips and have pristine homes and awesome savings accounts. I think I could be happy with that.
But then we go out into public, where babies and kids abound, and I am a baby-magnet! Babies are always fascinated with me- not sure if it’s the dreads or the fact that I’m always smiling at them- and they give me cute giggles and adorable happy hand gestures. It makes my heart melt.
I am not religious, but I am so desperate for this pregnancy to work out that I have been praying for promising HCG levels. I am freaking myself out.
But right now, in this moment, I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I need to not let past tragedies and stupid numbers get in the way of my happiness.