Some Answers

I took it easy today. I made some gluten-free butter tarts:

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Had my blood drawn at two different labs (one for HCG for RE, other for thyroid for endocrinologist).

I actually ate some food today, and had a 20 minute nap. I cried on three separate occasions when I thought about returning to work. I have this sense of impending doom that is consuming me. After talking it through with DW, it’s become clear that I am not fit to work for physical and emotional reasons. I think I need to go on a medical leave from my job temporarily.

Some good news though, my HCG has increased since August 22nd. It was 1800, and is now 39435. That’s a doubling time of 75 hours, which is good for that range.

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The RE moved up my ultrasound from Thursday to tomorrow. He also wants me off work for a week, after which time we reassess.

So that’s the plan for now.

Thanks everyone for your support.

In Crisis

I have not slept for two nights. I have lost 3 lbs in 3 days. I can’t eat more than two half-portioned meals per day. I am 7 weeks pregnant.

This isn’t healthy.

So far, I’ve kept my spotting and bleeding of clots quiet from our RE. But today, I just felt sick about it all and emailed my primary nurse and told her what has been going on. Hopefully, I hear back from her tomorrow and maybe I can get an ultrasound to find out what’s going on.

Previously, I had been against taking a day off work (they highly discourage teachers taking sick days in my board- even though they are part of our compensation), because I’m a relatively new teacher (third year permanent), and it looks bad when you use them (even though we encounter hundreds of dirty teenager’s germs daily). Right now, my seat mate is sick with the flu, and I’m secretly angry at her for touching my stuff and coming to work at all!

Anyways, my new role is very physical. I have to travel two floors and across the length of the school to get from my first period class to my office and other two classes. Often, I am carrying 40lbs of textbooks and student binders, as well as other supplemental equipment from floor to floor. Today, I was carrying a stack of 40 magazines from the basement, up to the second floor, and felt a cramp in my abdomen. I stopped and waited until I saw two kids on washroom breaks and had them carry the rest to my classroom. I then had to go back an grab a class set of scissors, glue sticks, stack of cardboard poster boards, and a bin of markers. I had to make two more trips for that. In my classes, I am working with kids with significant developmental and intellectual challenges. Our kids are high school aged, but function at the reading and cognitive level of grades 1-6. They also have significant behavioural and maturity issues- so I am never sitting down at all in my classrooms. I am on my feet all day, dealing with students who are difficult to reason with and can often become violent in the classroom. Today, a student swore at me because I tried to help him brainstorm “other words” that he could use to express how he felt (rather than “fuck”).

It is physically, and emotionally taxing. I have been bleeding, and haven’t eaten or slept in two/three days. I am taking tomorrow off to re-group, but all I feel is the dread of having to go back there and managing my stress from my less-than-perfect pregnancy symptoms.

I am in crisis, and can’t seem to find a way out.

Plan B Derailed

Missed a call today from our RE’s clinic. They left a voicemail that make me want to cry and call them back, both at the same time.

Last week, my blood test revealed some abnormally elevated cortisol levels. The RE was concerned, so he had me come in this week to have my blood tested again. They called to let me know the following things:

1. My cortisol levels were still really high.
2. They’ve sent an urgent referral to an endocrinologist to have it investigated further.
3. Our IVF treatment cycle has been cancelled until further notice.

I am on the brink of crying, not just because this Marvelon is seriously fucking with my emotions (extremely irritable and anxious lately possibly because of it), but also because I’m:

A. So disappointed that we can’t proceed with the egg retrieval.
B. Actually worried about what might be causing the elevated cortisol.

All of my blood work has been normal up until now, and I doubt that the teenage brats at school are driving me nutz enough to cause a sustained elevation of cortisol!

Anyway, all I can do is keep my fingers crossed that I get in to see the endocrinologist soon, and we figure out what this nonsense is about.