Ugh.. Where Can I Buy Some Sleep?

It’s 4:44am right now, and I have been trying to fall back asleep since 2. We went to bed at 11:30 tonight last night, and I think I may have finally fallen asleep at midnight.

I have been having problems sleeping on and off ever since July, and it has progressively gotten worse since then. I think that all of these treatments have my hormone balance all out of whack and it is affecting my sleep cycles… Oh and my anxiety levels! I’ve talked about my recent struggles with anxiety here, and how my family doctor encouraged me to take Cipralex (Lexapro), an SSRI. I wavered in my decision several times, got desperate after 13 days without a good sleep and filled the prescription, and then our last FET failed, and the potential of doing another full IVF had me reconsidering starting the Cipralex.

Here’s why:
Cipralex is an SSRI, a serotonin re uptake inhibitor. Normally, when serotonin is released between your neutrons (nerve cells), there is a sort of pump-like mechanism that gobbles it all up (re uptake). The Cipralex turns off this re uptake mechanism (inhibits it) and allows the serotonin to linger a little longer for your body to benefit from it. This happens in many places in your body- of interest to those with mental health issues, there are receptors in the brain. But there are also receptors in the ovaries, which is why I’m hesitant to start it right before an IVF cycle. The IVF stim cycle is such a crapshoot on a good day, and seeing as how my first IVF went so well, I kinda don’t want to add any new factors to the mix.

Last IVF:
On lupron (20IU–>10IU)
On Gonal-F (200IU)

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Part of me feels like once I get pregnant, and I mean safe zone pregnant, the anxiety and sleeplessness will go away. But following some of your journeys, I have come to realize that the worrying doesn’t really stop, and the sleep issues might get worse. Another part of me feels like if things are still super shitty, it wouldn’t be a big deal if I waited out the minor heart defect risk of the first trimester, and started the Cipralex during the second. I am willing to deal with the temporary risk of infant withdrawal symptoms.

So yeah, this is the shit that I am worrying about at what’s now 5:17am! Totally getting ahead of myself, over planning, trying to control shit that is unreasonable for me to control, feeding my anxiety with more anxiety… I suppose this is what my life has become. Sadly, seeing my therapist on a weekly to biweekly basis hasn’t helped much beyond that first visit. I know that therapy is so patient/therapist specific, but I feel like my anxiety is beyond the mending capabilities of talk therapy. I also feel like the only thing other than being pharmaceutically altered that will help me feel better is finally getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I know this is a tall order, and I am still working on not getting super upset that everyone on my Facebook is pregnant or has children already.

Anyway, it is amazing that I have lived 32 sweet years not knowing what anxiety feels like. I have empathy for those who suffer from mental illness. It is a struggle wrought with a lack of understanding or compassion. For many people, there isn’t a “solution” that helps them cope with life or even affords them the simple enjoyment of a day. And while there is a lot of encouragement to “talk about it”, the stigma remains, and people are forced to stay in the closet about it. Being a gay woman, I’ve already spent too much time in the closet.

Now, where does a gal go to buy some sleep at this time of night? (It’s now 5:40am. Faaack!)