Faith? Therapy Part II

Apparently I need to believe in some greater plan that things will work out the way that they are supposed to.

I had my second session with my therapist, and I left feeling worse than before our session. I was really unsettled, and I’m not sure if that is normal- to have a finished puzzle taken apart and shaken up because the process of putting things back together is the therapy.

About a week ago, I started to notice that the shock of our miscarriage started to wear off. The bouts of crying at random times has significantly reduced. I’m starting to pick up the pieces of my life, I am starting to be more aware of my feelings in a more rational way. I feel like I am starting to grieve properly.

Then, at some point this week, I realize that I only have one month left until my reevaluation with our GP, and that as it stands right now, I’m supposed to return to my hellhole of a workplace the first week of December. Of course, my GP says that she won’t have me return until I’m ready, but as far as my workplace is concerned, I’m supposed to return in a month. This terrifies me, as I feel like I’m just starting to heal, and have taken a few steps back because of my work-related anxiety. I haven’t been sleeping again, and am finding myself dwelling on things out of my control- like the timing of our next FET.

DW has also been unhealthily busy at work- with her principals course once, sometimes twice a week, her union meetings out of town, and the extracurriculars she runs for the kids after school (I do really miss the extracurriculars that I did with my students- they were what fulfilled me at the end of a really long day). Bless my wife, she comes home then has so much prep to do for her lessons the next day, because she is the “yes” person at her school- the problem solver who takes on more work to alleviate timetable conflicts in the school. I believe I was that person at my work, except, I never actually said “yes”, but ended up being that person, miscarrying at the peak of stress- and that is part of why I am terrified to go back to work.

Anyway, at my therapy session yesterday, I was stuck in my own head. I could only catch bits and pieces of what the therapist was saying. I also felt like she didn’t “get” me yesterday, so much of what she said wasn’t connecting with me. She was also having some repairs done on her home, and her dog barked the entire hour at the repair men, so that distracted me as well.

But I did take home some good points that she raised:

– I need to start using my voice and standing up for myself. If I advocate for myself, people will adjust to it, and will respect me more. I need to respect myself more.

– I need to let my GP know that I have a mental fixation on this official “end date” for my medical leave. Perhaps she will reassure me that it is open-ended, as needed. DW is certain that our GP agreed that I should be off the entire semester, but that she wanted to be kept in the loop via reevals. Sometimes I won’t let myself believe that people will stick to their word, I guess.

– I need to work on my anxiety. She recommended meditation, and a vision/dream board. I’ve been going to yoga every other day this week, and will try to make it more often if possible, because it ends in a meditation component. I can’t seem to bring myself to a meditative state on my own for some reason. I’ve also noticed that I’m feeling uneasy about making a vision board (of where I see my life in the future), because it includes things that would absolutely break my heart if they didn’t happen. Basically- kids.

This is where she said I need to have faith. Not necessarily in a Jesus Christ kind of way, but just a knowing that things will work out such that I’m happy. So having faith that there is some master plan, and all the worrying in the world won’t change it. That all of my attempts at controlling situations won’t change the overall outcome.

I don’t know the rules around having faith. Do I just have faith that my babies will happen? Do I just have faith that work will miraculously treat me with the respect and fairness that I deserve? Do I just have faith that DW will be happy with her decision to be or not to be a vice-principal? Do I just have faith that we will be able to love where we live and have enough money to live comfortably? Can I assume that my life will be a fully happy one just on faith?

I don’t know how to have faith. My life experience has me believing that you make your own fate. You work hard, and it pays off most times. If you don’t put forward an effort, things are unlikely to happen for you. I am in control of my own actions, and subsequently the results of those actions.

But, there’s also the other part of each interaction- the response from the world. That part I can’t control, and that’s what is giving me the anxiety. Even if I prepare my body perfectly for this next FET, anything can happen. I have no control over that outcome. Even if I talk (again) with my administration and department heads about my work concerns, will they dismiss them again like they did that first week? Or will they reconsider their poor planning as it resulted in me (possibly miscarrying and) going off on a medical leave? I have no idea.
Faith would have me just trusting that everything will work out. The therapist described it as a “things will rearrange and the puzzle pieces will naturally fall into place”. I have a very hard time with believing this.

DW thinks that having faith is more knowing that whatever happens, we will adjust our lives to be happy. We have each other, and if we don’t have babies, we will have the time and money to go on amazing trips and continue to eat organic food.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can be happy with that. There will always be a large chunk missing. Sadly, at this point, for me, life will be incomplete without our babies. There is a part of my heart that is reserved for loving them, and if they don’t come, it doesn’t just get used for something else. It will just be a big empty void. A reminder of how my body failed, and of how cruel this world really is.

So maybe knowing that these kids are my deal breaker with the world, I should have faith that they will come into fruition?

Liebster Award!

Thank you to TwoMommasInTheWorks for the nomination! Pops and Oli, you have been a pleasure to follow! This is my first nomination, and it sure feels good.

So here is how it works:

1. Link back to the blogger who gave you the award.

2. Answer the questions designated by the blogger who nominated you.

3. List 11 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 3-5 other bloggers with less than 200 followers.

5. Make up a set of questions for the nominated bloggers to answer.

The Questions:

1. What state do you live in?

I live in Ontario, Canada.

2. If you weren’t pregnant or in the TTC process, what would be number one on your bucket list?

I don’t really have a bucket list. I kind of treat it as a “To Do List”. If I wasn’t trying to be host to a parasite, I would have enjoyed spending my summer either: chasing turtles in the blue ocean around Maui, walking the public markets in Thailand, or getting diarrhea in China.

3. Is your family supportive of your plan into parenthood?

My mother and sister know, but father doesn’t yet. My wife’s immediate family all know. Everyone has been very supportive so far.

4. What are three things that make you want to follow someone else’s’ blog?

Humour, relevance, and regular posts.

5. How many kids do you ideally want and what genders? Twins?

Oh gosh, I want a whole litter. Other than my parents only having two, everyone else in my extended family all had 4 kids. My grandparents on both sides had 5 and 6. It feels a bit lonely right now because I live so far away from my family, and I’m so used to having tons of cousins around.

Gender is not important to me. Children of both genders have annoyed me. lol.

Twins would be awesome (but my nipples would hurt like hell).

6. Are you planning ahead to have the same donor for other kids or one step at a time?

It was slim pickin’s for us when we were buying sperm. And I approached the situation much like one does when organic chicken broth goes on sale at Costco- I bought it alll…… But really, all meant that we ended up buying 4 viles of Cherokee (our nickname for one donor), and 2 viles of Braun (the nickname for our other donor). So far, we’ve used up 3 Cherokee and 1 Braun for IUI’s and 1 Cherokee for the IVF. 1 vile of Braun remains. If we don’t two babies out of our last two potential FETs, then we will probably use up the last Braun. Sorry for making this into a math problem.

7. Does your partner read your blog?

Yes, she does. But since she doesn’t have WordPress on her iPhone, she just kind of checks it out whenever. Sometimes this means that she misses many posts in a row, and then finally finds out that I wrote a post about her masturbating me. lol. Ooopps!

10. What made you fall in love with your partner?

It was love at first sight… in a nasty musky hockey change room. She was running her mouth about something that I wasn’t listening to because I was staring at her abs…. and biceps…. and deltoids

Not only that, she has a sharp wit, is extremely handy (I’m a bit of a princess at times), and super thoughtful.

11. What do you typically do Sunday mornings?

Sleep in, sip an americano in bed (care of my lovely wife), make a kick-ass brunch, and go on a romantic hike with my wife and our dogs.

 

Random Facts:

1. Our little dog, Clementine (chihuahua-pug mix) aggressively humps a microfleece blanket at least 7 times after every meal. Right in our front bay window. For everyone to see. Especially the preschool group that walks daily along the sidewalk in front of our house.

2. Our big dog, Juno (husky-lab-retriever mix) has killed over 40 animals, ranging from birds, to medium sized mammals, to baby deer. She is extremely protective, and unstoppable.

3. My wife is more Chinese than I am (not literally). She is 4 inches shorter than me, has pin straight black hair (mine is wavy/curly), is proficient using chopsticks with both hands, and has actually been to China. She tops this off by sporting a rice-picker hat every year at Pride.

4. My wife used to be a competitive powerlifter.

5. We both used to play varsity field hockey for our undergraduate universities.

6. We have 6 university degrees between the two of us, and just finished paying off the student loans that they incurred in 2012.

7. I grew up playing in a family band (like the Partridge Family). We performed on a cruise ship once.

8. DW was part of the Young Astronauts Club, and witnessed the Challenger tragedy in grade 3 (1986). She remembers pointing at the TV screen, yelling “They’re all DEAD! They’re all DEAD!!!”, and was subsequently ushered out of the room by the teacher.

9. I have abnormally long limbs. I stand at 5’7”, but my wingspan measures 5’11 (they’re supposed to be the same). In medical school clinicians used me as an example of “Marfan Syndrome”. I don’t actually have Marfan Syndrome. Marfan Syndrome is actually really sad.

10. I’m really bad at foreplay. I kind of like to just get it on. DW has to remind me of these four five syllables: “fore-play-cuddle-after”. It’s so bad that it’s kind of a joke now.

11. I have dreadlocks. They are self-maintaining, clean, and beautiful. They also smell amazing- like scalp and Aveda.

photoS46X1333

(The little dog demonstrating the proper “cuddle after” technique)

 

Nominations:

1. The Gayby Project http://lyonsferocious.wordpress.com/

Hilarious, honest, and super awesome. These girls are doing their first FET today!

2. Not Sisters http://notsisters.wordpress.com/2014/07/17/6249/

Also hilarious, very entertaining, and apparently look alike. They recently miscarried, and are navigating these waters with a wee little one already.

3. Religion: Optional https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/47035424/

Their little girl Punky, should have her own Tumblr. She is friggin’ adorable. Rachael, Kim, and Punky are a sweet family that I really enjoy following. Rachel’s posts are so honest and heartfelt. Sometimes, they are a little ray of sunshine in my day.

Questions for Them:

1. Describe your most embarrassing moment.

2. Team Jacob or Team Edward? Explain.

3. What is a recurring inside joke between you and your partner?

4. What is a baby name that you absolutely cannot stand?

5. What would you do if you won $20,000 dollars (that cannot be put towards baby-making or paying off debts).

6. What are 3 qualities that you love about your partner?

7. Teenage celebrity crush?

8. What is a guaranteed way to get you out of a bad mood?

9. What is your favourite comfort food?

10. Team or individual sports?

11. Describe yourself.

Back in the Game FET #2

I haven’t been blogging much for a couple of reasons:

1. Work is kind of hellish right now, and my grandma once said to me: if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
2. Ball hockey season has begun, and between weekend tournaments and twice weekly games, I have zero extra time.
3. Nothing has been really happening in terms of our Gayby-making agenda…. Til now.

2014 has consisted of a whole lot of waiting so far. In fact, almost half a year of waiting. First, it was waiting for DW to have two menstrual cycles after her miscarriage, then it was waiting for her weird post-car-accident bleeding to pass, and then another period. Well, 5 months later, here we are.

DW finally bled on April 23rd, started Estrace 3x per day on April 25th, and adds prometrium and endometrin 3x per day as of tomorrow May 8th.

Finally, our 5-day blastocysts move in on Monday, May 12th.

We are very excited, but a little guarded about our emotions.

You’ll probably hear more from me soon!

IVF Medication Review: Marvelon

Both DW and I have had a really rough time on the Marvelon, and have been so happy to finally stop taking it a few days ago.

These are symptoms and side effects we each report:

DW: constant spotting after week one, cramping with spotting, pimples on the face, weight gain, larger breasts, mood swings, heavier cramping and bleeding than a regular menstrual period.

Moi: bad headaches, especially during a Marvelon period (I normally don’t he headaches at all), moodiness, cravings for sweets, weight gain, larger breasts, pimples on back (never happens for me), heavier bleeding and the terrible cramps during period (I don’t usually have cramps during a normal period).

We both got our periods about 48 hours after our last pill.

Year in Review 2013

Thank you to The Mamas Rapscallion for the questions!

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? Peed on, and in things: LH sticks, HCG sticks, cortisol-testing urine collection jugs, and etc.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t usually make New Year resolutions. I just kind of wake up every morning and vow to do what’s right for the moment, and try not to frown too much when people say or do offensive things. This year however, I will resolve to try to relax more. I don’t mean put my feet up when the wife is slaving over dinner, but rather, to worry less.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? People around me gave birth- lots of them. However, no one super close. A few ex-teammates and some acquaintances only. 

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, a friend from university did. At the young age of 34, he died of unknown causes. 

5. What places did you visit? We kicked off 2013 with a family trip to Disney World, then headed to an amazing resort in Punta Cana, DR for March Break, and then Vancouver, Honolulu, and Maui in August.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? A baby, or babies. 

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The first insemination that we did at home on our own-  DW wearing a headlamp, snapping the plastic speculum like a quacking duck, us giggling like little girls the entire time.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Slowing overcoming my fear of having my blood drawn, and utilizing self-restraint when all I really wanted to do was kick the stupid IUI nurse in the head when she so inappropriately muscled her way through my cervix rather than try to thread in the catheter properly.

9. What was your biggest failure? Being a workaholic to the point where I have already burnt out and am hating my job on a 3 times a week kind of basis. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing memorable.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Well technically, the IVF was paid for in 2013, so I’ll say that.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Nobody’s. We could have all behaved a little better.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The behaviour of the RE clinic. They have been absolutely unprofessional, unreliable, and suspiciously untruthful at the best of times. If we didn’t need them to help us create a baby, we would be complaining about them to some governing body.

14. Where did most of your money go? In order of decreasing expense: IVF, bathroom renovation, re-roofing, IUI’s and related costs, and my sports (gym membership, Muay Thai, ball and ice hockey fees). 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Putting my buns in my wife’s oven in January 2014!

16. What song will always remind you of 2013? Anything by Lorde or Lykke Li.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier

b) thinner or fatter? Definitely fatter. Since May, I’ve been on fertility drugs of some variety, and despite all of the exercise that I do on a regular basis, I am up 15lbs from my normal 30-something-year-old weight.

c) richer or poorer? The same. We anticipated all of these expenses, and started saving up for them last year.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Nothing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Working.
20. How did you spend Christmas in 2013? Packing to go to Disney World.
21. Did you fall in love in 2013? Stayed in love. 
22. What was your favorite TV program? Homeland.
23. What did you do for your birthday in 2013? Went to the Dominican Republic!
24. What was the best book you read? The Night Circus.
25. What did you want and get? Many things- a ukulele, mortar and pestle, icers (ice tracks for my hiking shoes), many chances to make a baby.
26. What did you want and not get? A baby, and a sun-destination Christmas trip.
27. What was your favorite film of this year? Blue is the Warmest Color.
28. Did you make some new friends this year? Oui, mostly from work.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? An invention to manipulate time- to slow it down when I’m feeling overwhelmed, and to speed it up during those two-week-waits.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? Outdoor smart. Think Eddie Bauer and Patagonia in the classroom.
31. What kept you sane? Sports and working out.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I’m not really into celebrities.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? Russia’s homophobia.
34. Who did you miss? My grandparents.
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. Anything is possible….

 

Plan B Derailed

Missed a call today from our RE’s clinic. They left a voicemail that make me want to cry and call them back, both at the same time.

Last week, my blood test revealed some abnormally elevated cortisol levels. The RE was concerned, so he had me come in this week to have my blood tested again. They called to let me know the following things:

1. My cortisol levels were still really high.
2. They’ve sent an urgent referral to an endocrinologist to have it investigated further.
3. Our IVF treatment cycle has been cancelled until further notice.

I am on the brink of crying, not just because this Marvelon is seriously fucking with my emotions (extremely irritable and anxious lately possibly because of it), but also because I’m:

A. So disappointed that we can’t proceed with the egg retrieval.
B. Actually worried about what might be causing the elevated cortisol.

All of my blood work has been normal up until now, and I doubt that the teenage brats at school are driving me nutz enough to cause a sustained elevation of cortisol!

Anyway, all I can do is keep my fingers crossed that I get in to see the endocrinologist soon, and we figure out what this nonsense is about.

Why I Didn’t Get Pregnant

At our appointment yesterday with the RE, he discussed how it was unusual that I didn’t get pregnant via the IUI’s that we did. He reviewed my blood work, my sonohysterogram, my ultrasound results for each treatment cycle, and could not find any reason why it didn’t take. I ovulate on my own, there were no structural challenges (e.g. fibroids), and there were a good number of follicles present each cycle. The only thing he could conclude was that either: there was some kind of adhesion or endometriosis near the opening to the fallopian tube that they couldn’t see, or that there is an autoimmune disorder that is making my uterus an inhospitable environment for implantation. DW and I pondered for a while, and wondered if maybe it could be due to a) the massive ovarian mass that I had in 2010 that was 1.5 x 2.5 cm, which was so unusual that it caused my physician and specialists to suspect that I might have ovarian cancer. It ruptured on its own, but could have left scar tissue behind. Or b) my Celiac Disease, which is being treated with my strict gluten-free diet. Who knows.

DW’s bloodwork has come back normal, and apparently she has “very young looking ovaries”, according to the Russian ultrasound technician. Her sonohysterogram revealed a possible blocked left fallopian tube, which we wonder if resulted from her abdominal hernia a few years ago, as it happened on the same side. It might have affected her ovulation, if we were to try natural cycles with her eggs.

Either way, going the route of Plan B is the best plan of action given our stats.

Welcome to Plan B, Where B is for Baby

Aloha Blogsphere! It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything meaty, and I think it’s time to update you on how things are going.

Well, I’ve seem to come out of my subfertility depression, and entered into a whole different sort of emotional disorder- anxiety. September finds both the wife and I back in the classroom, stressed as fuck, as transitioning from relaxing on a beach in Maui to dealing with rebellious teenagers is a shock to the system. We both also worked part of the summer teaching summer school, and doing some renovations on our home, so it really didn’t feel like we had much time off.

I’m at a new school this year, and am teaching what is arguably the worst grade and courses this semester. The blood work from my most recent draw (last week) came back and apparently my cortisol level is alarmingly high. High enough that they want to retest me tomorrow and do a full blood panel to investigate further. I blame it on the stress of TTC-ing concurrent to the start of a new school year. I know I am stressed because I’ve been biting my cuticles again, craving sugary comfort foods, and can’t sleep unless I’ve gotten out all of my aggression at the gym or a muay thai class. I am finding that I’m having mini anxiety attacks daily now, and the only thing helping me is the exercise and leaving my work at school.

Darling Wife is super stressed as well, which has exacerbated my anxiety levels. She’s taken on a position of responsibility at school and it is like working 2 jobs.

But despite all of this, these are exciting times.

We both started our periods within 24 hours of each other, and went in for day 3 blood work and ultrasounds. We’ve been put on Marvelon for ease of IVF timing, since we will be doing reciprocal IVF- my buns, her oven.

So far, this is how it’s gonna work:

Pre-treatment Cycle:

CD1: Sept 15/16- we got our periods- called to make day 2/3 blood work and ultrasound appointments

CD2/3: BW and U/S- my cortisol was high

CD3: We both start Marvelon

CD7: Wife has a sonohysterogram, which revealed possible blockage of her left fallopian tube (doesn’t matter because she’s the oven); Review appointment with RE

CD9: I have my blood redrawn to check cortisol levels again, and do a full blood work-up

CD18: October 2- Start Lupron, 20 units, daily in the morning- continue until told to stop

CD 24: October 8- take last BCP

CD 27- 31: October 11 to 15- sometime within this time-frame we should get a period. Call to book CD3 appointment for BW and U/S

Treatment Cycle: Me

CD3- go in for BW and U/S, start Gonal-F daily for 8-12 days (in addition to Lupron); Regular monitoring of hormone levels and follicles until they are mature enough

CD unknown- HCG shot

CD unknown- Egg retrieval

Treatment Cycle: Wife

CD3- go in for BW and U/S, start Estrace for unknown number of days

CD unknown- 5 days after egg retrieval, embryo transfer

We’re pretty excited, and when we work out the timing of it all, Darling Wife may be going in for the embryo transfer close to Halloween. We’ve got awesome costumes all set for this year, and I think she should go to the appointment dressed as a fairy princess (DW is pretty butch, which is why her costume is so hilarious to both of us).

I’ve been reading a lot about egg retrievals, which, to be honest freaks the shit out of me. I too, am considering going to the appointment with fake blood on my face, wearing super long incisors- dressed as a ovary-bloated Dracula.

IUI #2 – The Case of the Magic Microscope

After weeks of anxiously waiting and hoping, today finally arrived. Yesterday morning I went in for blood work and ultrasound, and right before being discharged, the nurse gave me the okay to inject the Ovidrel in the evening. Curious about my LH levels, I peed on an OPK stick in the late afternoon, and it was positive. I wish I had tested a few times earlier, to see when I started peaking, but oh well. Being a science nerd, I’ve researched enough to write a literature review on the topic. Anyway, all I knew was that I had already started to naturally ovulate, and the Ovidrel was gonna give that egg the extra kick out the door. I’m curious to see what my BBT is tomorrow morning.

Last night, I was a bit of a baby with respect to the Ovidrel. I made lots of whining noises and borderline crying/pleading while my Darling Wife held the needle like a dart and in fact, referred to it as such. She took great pleasure in tapping the inverted syringe, and depressing it to get air bubbles out. It made me nervous, very very nervous.

It all ended up painless in the end, and I felt awfully silly for the tears that were nearly out of the ducts. The dog looked at me with disappointment and called me weak.

We watched some Walking Dead and then headed to bed. I had the best sleep that I’ve had in a long time. Not sure why.

I woke at 6:15 am, naturally, before my alarm, and was excited for the day. The drive was great, and we stopped at Starf#@!s Coffee so that I could grab a Grande-SFV-L-NF-latte on the way to the clinic. This kept me from getting grumpy due to hunger (a major problem that I suffer from).

At the clinic, there were 2 other couples there. It’s funny observing the demeanour of straight couples at these clinics. The women mostly look anxious, and the men always look embarassed. It’s the same look they wear when buying tampons for their women. DW got in a conversation with a straight couple about Sesame Street doing a vocabulary lesson on the word “Incarceration”. By conversation, I mean, they were a bit ignorant, and she did her best to bite her tongue and not make it a “learning opportunity” for them. This is teacher talk for setting them straight (no pun intended). DW is extremely intelligent, and does not suffer fools well. It sometimes results in “mini-scenes” with strangers, and I am glad today’s disagreement didn’t lead to that. After all, the clinic was holding our sperm hostage, and I had already paid for everything in advance.

We were directed to the IUI room by “Harpreet”, and I was very surprised by how bland and ordinary the treatment room was. It looked like a regular physician’s exam room. I’m not sure if it’s the price that we paid (in addition to the price paid by our provincial insurance plan), or the fact that we’ve waited three months for this procedure, but I was expecting more. I expected an ultrasound machine, and for the doctor to watch on the ultrasound as the catheter was threaded through my cervix…. I pretty much expected to watch as he walked the sperm down the aisle. Unrealistic? Partially. I also felt like the RE talked it up this way, because I had no preconceived notions of what this experience was going to be like. Plus, the waiting rooms are all swanked up, connected by a spiral staircase, and equipped with fireplaces, big screen TV’s, and interior decorating that makes you sort of want to smoke a cigar. Not sure why.

So in this waiting room, I was asked to remove my shorts and underwear, and drape a big sheet of medical paper towel over myself. DW and I took some funny pictures of me making some obscene gestures and hand positions towards the medical diagram of the female reproductive system. What can I say? We were in a classy kind of mood.

Our sperm, who we’ve nicknamed a name I can’t write on the world wide web, was in a vial on the counter, washed and suspended in some pink stuff, ready to party. We took some pictures of the vial. Clean pictures. I did not do dirty things to it.

A nurse came in to do the IUI, and was kind of rough with my cervix. DW says that my cervix is shy. She points down and tucks her head a bit to the side. Not to worry though, the nurse clamped her and forcefully straightened her out. Similar to when I grab our dog by the scruff as she’s about to dive face first, mouth salivating into a pile of some other dog’s shit. Graphic, but it’s the only way I can describe the pain. I clenched my jaw and fists, and did my best not to shout a mouthful of profanities in front of the strange nurse. Out of the corner of my right eye, I see DW getting up, taking a step toward the nurse. She didn’t punch her in the face like I had hoped, however. She asked if she could depress the syringe- send the boys off on their race. As lesbians, this is one of the ways that a NGP (non-gestational parent) can actively take part in the insemination process at a clinic. I must admit, I really enjoyed our IUI #1, which was done at home, with DW dressed like a caver, headlamp, gloves, focus faced and all. I don’t remember if I wrote an account of that experience. Maybe I will some day. It was so much fun, and absolutely hilarious. I literally quieffed (spelling?) out a good lot of the sperm because I was laughing so hard.

Back to IUI #2. So DW injected me with the love juice, and then the nurse told me to stay laying down for 15-20 minutes. Holy crap was that the longest 20 minutes ever! So long in fact, that we got ourselves into a bit of stuff we probably shouldn’t have. Perhaps you can put the following pieces together: some of the precious and expensive love juice dribbled out and onto the medical table; there was a microscope in the room; we found slides and cover slips in a drawer; we both have multiple degrees in science and/or medicine.

Anyways, the drive home was fun. I dropped my iPhone and closed the car door on my head while trying to climb into the already-reclined passenger seat. I buckled up and lay back with my feet on the dashboard. Again, classy.

The rest of the day was quite uneventful. I was supposed to lay down and take it easy for the rest of the day, but I felt restless and felt like tidying and cleaning the kitchen. This turned into me making a nice breakfast of bacon, eggs, and a breakfast sammy for DW. I made batches of semolina and gluten-free pastas with ground turkey pasta sauce for our lunches for today and tomorrow. I also marinated and bbq’d salmon filets and sauteed shredded bok choy. Then I stripped the guest room bed of sheets and did two loads of laundry. I also marked two class sets of labs, and cleaned a bit.

Now I’m blogging, and considering going to the grocery store at 9:30 at night.

Can you tell I’m excited?

This is gonna be a long two weeks….

A Fresh Start or a Quick Finish?

Many things to update you on as I spin away on my stationary bike:

1. Aunt Flo arrived on Sunday, so we were not successful this past IUI.
2. We had our long-awaited appointment with the RE last Wednesday, and he recommended that we try a course of Femara to help accelerate egg development in my follicular phase. He treated me a bit like there was something wrong with my long follicular phase, which irked me. I informed him that research suggests that Asian women genetically tend to have cycles that are longer than Caucasian women. He seemed to not be familiar with this research but agrees that there would likely be some genetic component to it (duh).
3. So I started the Femara on Wednesday, and so far the only side effect I’ve experienced is mild hot flashes in the middle of the night. It doesn’t help that we are in the middle of a heat wave here in the GTA.

Today is day 10 of my cycle, and I went in for blood work and ultrasound early this morning. The results were a bit disappointing. So far, despite the Femara, my follicles are only 12mm. If they don’t get up to about 18mm+ by Monday, they will likely cancel the IUI. I’m really bummed about this, because I know that normally, follies usually grow about 1mm per day, and mine grow even slower than this. The nurse said that they will likely need to increase the dose for next cycle. Hrmph. She’s talking about this one like it’s already failed.

I’m upset, and have been trying to keep my mind off of it, but I just can’t help but wonder if in fact, I am infertile with this stupidly long cycle. I mean really, why is it taking so long for my follicles to develop? Why do they need 12 days more than the average woman’s? And why aren’t they responding to these meds?

We’ll see on Thursday morning if anything has changed. Fingers crossed that these follies grow grow grow!