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I Feel Broken

Normally, I’d google a keyword related to the theme of my post, but today I don’t think I can even find a visual to convey how truly broken, destroyed, or despaired I feel. Nothing new has happened. I just think that the reality of the past 15 months has finally hit me. Like the denial has worn off. I’m probably in a bit of a mood as well, I suspect.

The past 15 months…..

has changed me

I no longer enter a room filled with optimism or a smile on my face.

I no longer enjoy each day like it’s filled with new opportunity.

I am weary of conversations with people because they always seem to ask when DW and I are gonna have children… And I hate lying, and I really really wish I could just tell everyone what we are going through because the burden of it is overwhelming me. I wish I could get some sympathy (different from pity) because I feel like I’m filling with sadness that is weighing me down and I need someone to carry my pack for a while so that I can heal.

I am no longer vibrant and interesting to talk to. I’ve had many moments lately where I contribute nothing to conversations, which is very unlike me. I used to be described as charming and very personable. It makes me wonder if maybe all of those really awkward people I’ve met in social gatherings were going through something painful like this.

I’ve got this baby snatcher vibe going on. No joke. I won’t elaborate, as I might creep out some of my mama blogger friends on here. But basically, my baby envy has increased significantly. I’m cradling and rocking my little dog like a baby, holding her body close to mine, hearts close together. I’m tearing up just thinking of how badly I yearn to hold my own baby, and how it’s taking too long.

DW is upset with me for being upset. She is going through her own grieving and blaming process. Blaming herself and her body for the two miscarriages, and grieving the fact that it is time to move on to using my body for the last 3 embryos. (Remember that the only reason we were doing IVF was for her to carry my embryos). She feels that she has more of a right to be upset because “[I] still get to try”, and she doesn’t. In a way, I do agree with her point of view, but I see us as a team who has failed. I feel like the odds have been against us. I feel like the game has been rigged and the rules haven’t been fair, and sometimes I wonder what the hell is the point in playing anymore.

Now I know there are many others who have been at this for longer, and I hope I am not coming across as entitled or whiney. I admire you for your continued perseverance and optimism, and for supporting us along the way (even if you occasionally roll your eyes), but my struggle is real. It penetrates into the depths of my core, to the point where I haven’t been able to enjoy life as it exists right now.

Baby making has broken me.

20 thoughts on “I Feel Broken

  1. This is a place for you to vent, to share your deep emotions and your confused thoughts. It’s a place for you to be raw and authentic and know you’re accepted because it’s your blog and because here, you’re surrounded by people who know what you’re going though and care about your struggle. I’m so sorry for your sadness and discouragement.

  2. This was so poignant and raw and honest. My heart aches with you for your losses, and you are in my thoughts often. I have so much hope that you’ll be holding your baby in the not-so-distant future.

    You and your wife both have reasons to be hurting, and I am willing to bet that part of her being upset with you for being upset is just a part of her processing and grieving. Maybe she feels partly responsible for your pain and doesn’t want to see it/hear it.

    Would you consider coming out of the TTC closet to share this with the people you are closest to? I suppose that would open up a whole new can of questions you may not want to answer. But it also might help you find the support in “real life” you need. You have me, if you want to talk about any of this in person.

    I know the feeling of longing to be a mother and, when it doesn’t happen as it should, feeling angry at and lost in the world. It becomes all-consuming, and brings you to the depths of despair. I remember going to an “ugly place” and being jealous of everyone who was announcing pregnancies, and almost feeling like they were “stealing” my chance at pregnancy; as if there was a certain quota of pregnancies allowed in the world at one time, and my chance kept getting passed by.

    You make a good point: we never know what someone is going through. So when that “someone” is not engaging in conversation, or looks miserable, or seems like she hates the world, she’s probably hurting. We just never know.

    In my heart of hearts, I know you’ll get your smile back some day.

  3. Your struggles break my heart. There is nothing I or anyone else can say or do to fix things. I have days where I just want to cut myself off from the world and grieve over my inability to have children. It took me a long time to accept that it is ok to not be ok sometimes. xoxoxo – Jennie

  4. i feel your pain xoxo. although i haven’t been going through it as long as you have, i am familiar with that brokenness (is that even a word)
    for months i haven’t been able to even log in to my blog. every time i got a blog emailed to me…announcing a pregnancy on the first try…i would just be devastated instead of happy. had the first time worked for me….i would be holding my baby this month. my partner would try to bring up the whole baby making thing often and i would just shut her down. we are still trying to clear off the debt from trying, and i may be at a point where trying again might actually happen (not sure yet). i am afraid of the meds (they did a number on me) so we are thinking of different ways. we’ll see. i just don’t know that i could emotionally handle another negative result.
    i am different now too. emptier.
    recently a close friend of mine announced she was pregnant. then she called me later that evening to ask if i was ok. and what do you say? no? i want to be you? it’s not fair?
    this has happened to me several times. friends who are expecting and afraid to tell me…and the look in their eyes…like they feel so sorry for me.
    every baby i see, every woman with a baby bump i see, reminds me of what i don’t have…and maybe never will.
    if you ask anyone they would tell you i am the happiest girl in the world. but that can’t be further from the truth. my insides…my insides hurt.
    i understand your broken feeling…and i wish i could say something that will make it better.
    i will log in here more often. to offer support and love to everyone who is broken.

    lots of love to you both

    • Thank you. It’s nice to have you back. I am sorry that you have been going through similar emotions as me. Interesting that they seem to have manifested in a similar way as mine have. There is an online queer TTC forum that I used to frequent, that I haven’t had the stomach to be a part of for the last 6 months or so because it hurt too much to see people nearly “lap” us.

      I’m glad you’re back. I wondered where you had disappeared to. You were missed.

  5. Oh, sweetie. You can be broken. You need to feel how you feel. DW needs to feel how she feels. And you are right – you are a team. BUT – you are not a failure, either of you! Please know that you are not a failure. Its just not time yet. I have every faith that it will be your time soon, hopefully sooner than later, but hang in there, my hugs and positive thoughts are going out to you in this time full of struggles. ❤

  6. I am so sorry you have yo go through such an awful time. Allow yourself to be sad, you have every right to be. While ttc I know I sometimes got upset with my wife because she was upset but that’s just because I felt so helpless and useless but better days will come. Hang in there, I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

  7. I hate when these things catch up with us. I hope you’re both able to process and grieve in these dark days and emerge a stronger team. I second the suggestion to let others in on your journey, but obviously you must do what’s right for you. There are no wrong feelings, so let yourself feel, let yourself rage, and then pick up the pieces as best you can–not all of them, just the ones that will spur you forward. My thoughts are with you.

  8. It all just really sucks sometimes. I feel very much the same.. hiding and not quite the chipper person I once was. I’m so sorry for your lose and the whole switcheroo on who should carry can definitely make things worse. big hug to you both!

  9. I have to admit, it was hard reading and thinking about commenting on your post, because it’s taking me back to a time I’d rather ignore that it ever happened and that was so painful. I so know the feeling, how it’s tearing you apart from the inside. All the self-doubt about your own body and how it is unable to do such a simple thing. I haven’t recovered from that yet.
    The relationship, where you simultaneously support each other but also lash out at each other, because who else is there to point your anger towards. And then all the other people around to deal with. I had to stay away from pregnant women, even friends and family (my sister was pregnant and gave birth while we were trying and miscarried).
    We somehow got through those 1 1/2 years, but we’re also changed. I can’t even pretend that it could be a change for the better, even though we are stronger now, in some ways. We’re still hurt in others. It just sucks in all aspects. Therapy has helped for DW a bit. For me, it was just the time passing.
    I so hope you two will find some healing some day soon. Hugs to you.

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