Natural, Cytotec, or D&C? That is the Question.

The RE’s office called today to tell me officially to stop my meds. The radiologist took a look at the ultrasounds and called it.

I didn’t speak to them. In fact, my cell phone didn’t even ring. They sent it directly as a voicemail. Motherfuckers. Clearly, they weren’t interested in entertaining any questions. They just reiterated that I had three options: miscarry naturally, take Cytotec, or do a D&C.

Option A: Miscarrying naturally sounds the gentlest of the three options, but it could take weeks for my body to initiate this, and weeks for it to fully complete the task.

Option B: Cytotec/Misoprostal freaks me out a bit, as I imagine it’s basically Option A condensed into a violent and short period of time. I’ve read of women opting to bleed it out at the hospital for the access to effective pain killers, you know, the good shit. Getting it done with in a predictable amount of time sounds attractive to me. However, sometimes remnants remain and you end up utilizing Option C anyway.

Option C: D & C is the one most people fear initially. It involves dilating the cervix, and then either scraping or vacuuming out the contents of the uterus. It is often scheduled, and while women often report some moderate pain afterwards, it isn’t usually as painful as Options A and B because you’re under general anesthetic. With this option, you can be sure that all of the remnants are removed, while with the other two options, sometimes large clumps of endometrial tissue and the gestational sac have a difficult time passing through the opening of the cervix, which prolongs the bleeding and cramping (trying to flush it out).

Right now, I’m leaning towards Option B, because I don’t think I can emotionally handle waiting for the inevitable. I also need my HCG to go down as quickly as possible so that we can start trying again with our last embryo. I have heard that this can take WEEKS, even MONTHS, for women with levels as high as mine are right now.

Anyone at around 8 weeks miscarry naturally? How long did it take to begin the process, how long did it last, and how badly did it hurt?

Anyone with HCG around 40,000 know how long it will take to return to <5?

And finally, pain control: what works for the labour-like cramps and contractions?

Thank you for helping me mentally prepare myself.

The Final Chapter

I’m at a loss for words right now, but I wanted to give you all an update.

We went for our ultrasound this morning, and the technologist dated me at 6 weeks. I am supposed to be 7 weeks and 4 days.

She saw no heartbeat.

She also didn’t measure anything inside the gestational sac- which we were told to assume is because there was nothing measurable, because there was nothing growing in there.

Monday I see my family doctor for what was supposed to be a medical leave due to threatened pregnancy, and now will be a medical leave due to stress.

The RE’s nurse told me there’s a pill they can give me which causes cramping and I can collect all of the products to be sent off for testing. How lovely.

I guess this upcoming week of bed rest at home will be to accommodate the impending cramping and expelling of what remains of my short-lived, 7 week pregnancy.

Welcome to miscarriage number three.

Some Answers

I took it easy today. I made some gluten-free butter tarts:

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Had my blood drawn at two different labs (one for HCG for RE, other for thyroid for endocrinologist).

I actually ate some food today, and had a 20 minute nap. I cried on three separate occasions when I thought about returning to work. I have this sense of impending doom that is consuming me. After talking it through with DW, it’s become clear that I am not fit to work for physical and emotional reasons. I think I need to go on a medical leave from my job temporarily.

Some good news though, my HCG has increased since August 22nd. It was 1800, and is now 39435. That’s a doubling time of 75 hours, which is good for that range.

The RE moved up my ultrasound from Thursday to tomorrow. He also wants me off work for a week, after which time we reassess.

So that’s the plan for now.

Thanks everyone for your support.

In Crisis

I have not slept for two nights. I have lost 3 lbs in 3 days. I can’t eat more than two half-portioned meals per day. I am 7 weeks pregnant.

This isn’t healthy.

So far, I’ve kept my spotting and bleeding of clots quiet from our RE. But today, I just felt sick about it all and emailed my primary nurse and told her what has been going on. Hopefully, I hear back from her tomorrow and maybe I can get an ultrasound to find out what’s going on.

Previously, I had been against taking a day off work (they highly discourage teachers taking sick days in my board- even though they are part of our compensation), because I’m a relatively new teacher (third year permanent), and it looks bad when you use them (even though we encounter hundreds of dirty teenager’s germs daily). Right now, my seat mate is sick with the flu, and I’m secretly angry at her for touching my stuff and coming to work at all!

Anyways, my new role is very physical. I have to travel two floors and across the length of the school to get from my first period class to my office and other two classes. Often, I am carrying 40lbs of textbooks and student binders, as well as other supplemental equipment from floor to floor. Today, I was carrying a stack of 40 magazines from the basement, up to the second floor, and felt a cramp in my abdomen. I stopped and waited until I saw two kids on washroom breaks and had them carry the rest to my classroom. I then had to go back an grab a class set of scissors, glue sticks, stack of cardboard poster boards, and a bin of markers. I had to make two more trips for that. In my classes, I am working with kids with significant developmental and intellectual challenges. Our kids are high school aged, but function at the reading and cognitive level of grades 1-6. They also have significant behavioural and maturity issues- so I am never sitting down at all in my classrooms. I am on my feet all day, dealing with students who are difficult to reason with and can often become violent in the classroom. Today, a student swore at me because I tried to help him brainstorm “other words” that he could use to express how he felt (rather than “fuck”).

It is physically, and emotionally taxing. I have been bleeding, and haven’t eaten or slept in two/three days. I am taking tomorrow off to re-group, but all I feel is the dread of having to go back there and managing my stress from my less-than-perfect pregnancy symptoms.

I am in crisis, and can’t seem to find a way out.

A Very Stressful Long Weekend

Ever since the afternoon of our 6-week transvaginal ultrasound, I’ve had spotting.

Thursday- faint brown spotting
Friday- more brown spotting
Saturday- some red spotting and more brown spotting
Sunday morning and afternoon- lots of brown clots
Sunday evening- faint brown spotting (much lighter)

It was torture not having internet access during these stressful times. I really have no idea what is going on, and have been freaking out.

I haven’t had any cramps though, and haven’t been filling pads or anything- just streaks on a panty liner. I think that’s a good sign.

I’m not in a great headspace right now, and am also really stressed about starting at a new school on Tuesday. It’s a vocational school, where 90% of the students have significant learning disabilities and developmental delays. I enjoy teaching and am really good with these kids, but I’ll be in a totally new role, teaching subjects that I’ve never taught before, and have no resources to go off of. I’m sure it will be fine in a few weeks when I’ve got a good grasp of the building and supports, have gotten to know the kids, and have an idea of what these courses look like.

The night before the first day of school is always sleepless though- even for very experienced teachers like DW. The last thing I need is to worry about school and the possibility of a miscarriage.

I’m really hoping that this spotting is benign, and that our little spark is still in there, thriving.

Ugh Heartburn

We’re at the cottage, so internet access is shoddy. But I have some bars on my iPhone so I thought I’d try to post.

Thank you for all of your comments, I will try to reply to you soon!

My symptoms have stayed the same, though I’ve had an significant amount of heartburn during the past two days. It’s so bad that last night I was popping TUMS like it was going out of style. All I’ve basically been eating is gluten-free bread, crackers, and rice in soup.

It is hell.

Also, I’ve been spotting faint traces of brown since the ultrasound. I’m thinking it’s because it may have irritated my cervix (remember I have a very angry cervix), or had dislodged some old blood that had accumulated at the bottom of my uterus. I’m not worried about it.

Anyway, we’ve been lazing around, watching old 80’s and 90’s videos, some on VHS. That’s the cottage selection! Plus most collections like all the 007 movies, Indiana Jones, Star Wars. Last night we watched a movie called “An Innocent Man”, made in the 80’s and starring a young Tom Selleck. We also made our way through some of Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Oh has film and television changed!

Other than that, we’ve been puzzlin’. Here’s a picture of DW working on a 1000-piece candy bar wrapper puzzle.

Cramps

I’m 6 weeks and 1 day today.

Last night, I only managed to sustain a superficial sleep for most of the night due to some very mild cramps. It was less like pain, and more like knots. It felt like some very fleshy-armed strong woman was kneading my uterus like dough.

Today, I continue to have more of the same. No bleeding, just kneading.

Anyone else experience this during pregnancy?

(Photo from http://www.finecooking.com/item/15900/no-need-to-knead-bread)

Back to the Gym

Living in fear is no way to live.

But since the transfer, I pretty much stopped all physical activity, aside from dog walks every other day with my lovely ladies. If you recall, exercise is pretty much my only method of stress relief, and the two-week-wait is extremely stressful, so I’ve pretty much been shit to be around. DW has been great though, letting me go at things at my own pace, pick our activities, change my mind, complain, get frustrated, then pass out for another nap and start all over again.

In the past couple of weeks we did some fun things.

We:

– went to Ripley’s Aquarium on our anniversary
– have dined at our favourite restaurants
– seen two films in theatre: Lucy and The Hundred Foot Journey
– driven into downtown on numerous occasions for gelato from our favourite chocolatier, Soma

Other than that, I’ve preferred couch lazing and watching Netflix over socializing. We’ve finished Rectify (which was amazing), and I am still making my way through The Mindy Project. Once school starts next week, I will have no time to watch anything.

However, I finally emerged from the couch potato haze, and returned to the gym two days ago. My muscles were feeling wasted and listless. They needed a pump!

With almost twenty years experience lifting weights, it was humbling to have to limit myself to a lighter workout. My TCM doctor strongly urged against me working out at all, but honestly, I was going crazy. I had to. For my health, and the health of my pregnancy.

But this is what I did:

Three giant sets of the following circuits with no rest between giant sets:

Giant Set 1 (x 3 sets):
8-10 overhand pull-ups (assisted)
10 push ups (off toes)
10 body weight squats
10 ball hamstring curls

Giant Set 2 (x 3 sets):
10-12 chin-ups with a lat pull down machine
10-12 bench press with a bar only
10 slow Bulgarian split squats
Plank
10-12 seated row

20 mins elliptical on a very low level to get lactic acid out of my legs

It felt so good. I was so energized, and sooo sore the next day and took it as a rest day.

Today, I’m back at the gym, a little less sore, but ready to go.

This is what I did:

Giant Set 1 (x 3 sets):
10-12 barbell curl
10-12 barbell military press
10-12 rope press down
10-12 rear delt fly

Giant Set 2 (x 3 sets):
10-12 overhand bicep curl
10-12 upright row
10-12 overhead tricep extension
10-12 lateral delt fly

20 minutes elliptical
20 minutes swimming and stretching in the pool

I’m so happy to be back!

Tomorrow is our competitive ball hockey team’s championship game, as well as the league’s season wrap-up banquet. Our team is defending first place, and I have to come up with an excuse for why I can’t play but will be watching instead. This is a team that we have been playing with for almost 5 years, and we love these girls. It’ll be weird for me not to play, as I usually make every single game. We’ll see how it goes!

HCG Results Are In

First off, you all are awesome! Thank you for the positive vibes and support. I really appreciate it.

So…. To recap:

10DP5DT: HCG was 33
12DP5DT: HCG was 61

I figured that we had a doubling rate of about 54 hours, which is well within the normal healthy range, and estimated that for a good result on 19DP5DT, levels should be about 500 or so.

I was wrong.

Luckily, they are much higher.

Today, at 19DP5DT, our HCG is 1799.

Holy shit guys. I am ecstatic.

I could hardly comprehend what she said next, something about how I have to stay on my meds, same dosages, etc. And that they want to book me next week for my first ultrasound.

My acupuncturist things it’s a bit unsafe to do the ultrasound so early (week 6), and suggests that we wait until the week afterwards.

Anyhow, thanks again for all of your positive vibes. Each and every one of your comments has made an impact on me. Thank you.

Stay tuned for more happy posts!

Another Beta HCG Test Today

Hi everyone, I’ve been laying low lately because not much is going on. I’m also anxious as hell and so many times, I have started irrational blog posts related to negative things, even though so far, everything has been going well.

No real symptoms except sheer exhaustion about midday, at which point I take a 1-2 hour nap. I attribute this to the progesterone supplementation though, as I know it can make your blood sugar levels drop, making you feel an energy crash. Boobies are still sore, and are BIG! When I fully inhale, I can almost hear the seams of my sports bras rip. Again, that is thanks to the progesterone. Other than that, I’ve been so thirsty every day, drinking about 3+ litres of water, and not peeing most of it out even though I’m waking up in the middle of the night to pee 1 or 2 times. Either I’m becoming a camel, or my blood volume is increasing due to this pregnancy.

Oh such is the dilemma with progesterone and estrogen supplementation. I can’t tell if the symptoms are from pregnancy or from the medication.

I have no nausea yet. But I’m only 5 weeks and 3 days, and most women start getting really queasy during week 6 or not at all. Strangely enough, I’m hoping for some morning sickness, as it would reassure me that my HCG is higher.

Today, I have to go in for another blood draw to check my HCG levels. I’m so nervous, and will feel so much better if the results are good.

Please pray and send whatever good vibes that you can for us to have a positive outcome.

I appreciate all of your support, and I hope to be less neurotic in the coming weeks.