Taking Time to Pause

20130823-204720.jpg

I have trouble sleeping. I always have. As early as I can remember, I have struggled with shutting down my mind for slumber. I am a worrier.

But ever since we decided that we wanted to have a child, my sleep got a bit better. I added daydreaming to my sleep routine. Right after resting my head on my pillow, settling into my final sleep posture, I would gently guide my mind to imagine our lives a year ahead, then 3 years ahead, sometimes then 5 years ahead.

I wandered through scenes of us hiking while wearing babies on our chests, the dogs licking baby food off our babies faces, DW’s parents wandering through Disney holding little hands, and DW looking ravishing at the age of 45, a few more wrinkles, wearing a smart vice-principal bob haircut.

I remember taking deep breaths of milky baby smell, rubbing my face along the soft wisps of our baby’s light brown hair, feeling the warmth radiating from our baby’s squishable body, and kissing soft almond-shaped eyes. My heart still sinks when I conjure “memories” of our baby’s coos and cries.

I launched into daydream like a swimmer kicks off the wall of a pool to get started. It led me to a peaceful space, to where I wanted my life to be. It helped me to realize what I wanted my happiness could look like. It became a dreamland that I couldn’t wait to return to. It made sleep a destination that my mind would allow me to reach.

For the first time in my life, I slept.

After this recent unsuccessful IUI however, something changed.

I have been trying my daydreaming routine right before bed, but I can’t see our baby’s faces. I can’t remember how they smell, how it feels to be skin-to-skin, the void that I would feel when they are off at school. My body has no memory of them. It feels forced, like making up lies about something that has happened to you.

Part of me feels like they have vanished simply because they never existed to begin with. Another part of me is worried that their memory has been erased because they will never happen. Like my mind is trying to protect me from the anguish that I will never recover from.

Either way, I am so deeply upset. We are neither moving forward nor able to rewind. If we were, perhaps I could remember what my childrens’ faces looked like again.

Advertisements

IUI#4: Thirteen Days Post Ovulation

Went surfing and paddle boarding today in Waikiki Beach. Came back to the condo, took a quick shower, and noticed blood all over my towel. My heart sank.

I’ve been bleeding fairly continuously ever since. The colour is still brown, but with some red blood as well. No cramps though, and I’m still holding out hope for the small chance that we could still get a BFP.

We will test tomorrow morning.

Fingers and toes crossed.

IUI#4: Twelve Days Post Ovulation

20130818-215306.jpg

BFN today, and still spotting some brown discharge….

Managed to get some good beach time in though. We went paddle boarding on Waikiki beach. It was amazing! Oh how I’ve missed the ocean!

Won’t be testing until Tuesday morning… Which also happens to be DW and my 3rd wedding anniversary! Fingers crossed for the best gift ever.

IUI#4: Eleven Days Post Ovulation

Two more flights later, we are in Honolulu! This is my first time here, and it is absolutely stunning. We were picked up by a friend of mine at the airport, who graciously and thoughtfully presented us with beautiful fresh leis.

We headed to a tiki bar (a real one), and enjoyed some Hawaiian cuisine. I had the Tako poke, an octopus dish, which I believe is raw. I love poke and ceviche and the like, and made the decision to eat it despite common recommendations to pregnant women. This of course caused a bit of discussion at our table, where I basically had to let my friend in on our recent baby making adventure, and my potentially pregnant status.

Later on in the day, we went to the beach where DW and I swam, and DW towed me along through the crashing waves (so fun!).

We headed to a Japanese BBQ restaurant, which was delicious. At the end of our meal, I went for a quick tinkle, and had dark brown streaks when I wiped. I was spotting. Pair that with the constant cramping I’ve had for the past two days and perhaps it’s implantation bleeding?

I’m trying to think positively, that maybe a little blastocyst decided to take up residence in my womb.

Now the question is, when shall we test?

I anxiously tested the next morning (12DPO), and this is what I saw:

20130818-063549.jpg

IUI#4: Nine and Ten Days Post Ovulation

20130816-133315.jpg

So I’m home for a quick visit before we head to Hawaii. My father recently had a heart attack, and was originally supposed to come with us on the vacation. He is contemplating his own mortality, and has been making his wishes known to us, in terms of his estate. It freaks me out a bit.

I’m not good with deep emotional sentiments, even though I come from a family of really emotional and emotionally expressive people. At any given family dinner, it is the norm for there to be tears shed- tears of sadness, tears of happiness, tears due to uncontainable laughter. I often worry about some family members’ emotional stability, but that’s a topic for another blog post, or a novel pehaps.

Last night we arrived in Vancouver, a place I was born, raised, and educated. I left here in 2004 for professional school in Ontario, always intending to return and practice. Things don’t always go as planned. Now I visit every other year, and am amazed by how much has changed, how much I’ve forgotten about it (like simple street names- it’s Jervis, not Jarvis), and how much I miss.

Today DW started having cramps. She also complained of what we call “cat poops”, a sure fire indication of impending menstruation. Sure enough, when she went to the washroom after lunch, some spotting. We’ve been hoping that our cycles would sync up, but they haven’t, even after four years! Stubborn ovaries!

I have been having some cramps as well today. I’m 10DPO, so I am not expecting AF.

Last night I didn’t sleep. I should clarify, I couldn’t sleep. I have been so anxious lately, partly due to family issues, but also significantly due to TTC-ing. I am close to snapping on a dildo-cam technician, I mean, ultrasound technologist. I told DW yesterday that if this IUI doesn’t work, I’m done. I’m done with the countless blood draws, I’m done with leaving the RE clinic feeling violated and like there’s something wrong with me. I hate not having control of my body, my schedule, and the increasing amount of anxiety that plagues me during each TWW. This entire cycle, I have not slept properly. I do not function well when under slept.

I have also gained almost 10 lbs from all of the fertility drugs. This makes me feel miserable, as I already have some body dismorphia. Good thing I’m heading to Hawaii tomorrow, where it feels like 40 degrees Celsius, and where I have to wear a bikini. Great.

IUI#4: Seven and Eight Days Post Ovulation

20130814-181006.jpg

Twice so far on this roller coaster of a TTC journey, I have has some bitch-ass mood swings. Both times it felt like rage I could barely contain, but needed to release through some kind of physical means (translate: break something).

The first time I buried my head in my pillow and screamed at the top of my lungs, kicking and punching. Last time I sent myself to the gym to do intervals.

Both times occurred 8DPO, and were BFN’s.

This time I am moody and impatient, but don’t feel compelled to wreck anyone’s face . I even had an extended conversation with a family member, debated issues of homophobia and the appropriateness of marriage for gays when it has biblical origins, and still didnt want to put my foot through a wall.

DW worries this moodiness may become the norm for 8.5 months.

I hope the lack of violence is a good sign.

Oh, and I was woken last night by a pinching feeling in my lower right abdomen. *fingers crossed this means something*