I have a difficult time trying to describe how we feel, not because I’m lacking in words, but rather because I am overwhelmed with such intense feelings. It’s like there is a Wordle in my heart, dense and under high pressure, weighing me down. Each day a new emotion is added to the list.
This round of FET was particularly frustrating because the nursing team at the fertility clinic FUCKED up on two accounts:
1. Dating of DW’s beta – no big deal but if they are messing that up, what other time-sensitive stuff did they also mess up?
2. Her medication. DW had major irritation from the Endometrin (vaginal progesterone suppository), and so they instructed her to replace the 300mg of Endometrin with 300mg of oral Prometrium. I had a weird feeling about it because often specialists instruct patients to take the prometrium vaginally rather than orally because of absorption issues. I had her call them again to confirm that the dosage and route was equivalent to the 300mg of Endometrin. They confirmed it and she followed as they had instructed. A few days later, she started spotting, which is sometimes normal, except that the spotting became red blood and then a full period-like bleed. At about the same time, the intense nausea that she had disappeared and she started having cramps. Really intense cramps.
Trying to make sense of all of this, I found this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2695240/#__abstractid1101714title
Which finds that oral Prometrium will test in expected concentrations in the blood, but very little of it actually makes it to the endometrium of the uterus, which is where it is needed.
A lack of progesterone will make your uterine lining shed.
Now, I’m not sure if there is a threshold amount of progesterone that is required and if we were okay in that respect anyway, but 300mg of oral Prometrium actually is like 30mg of usable Progesterone and is no where close to the 300mg of Endometrin which absorbs almost completely into the uterus.
Anyway, we’re in a strange place right now. Part grieving, part blaming (ourselves and the clinic), part next steps.
IVF and FET have a much greater chance of success than the IUIs we were doing last year.
DW wants another go at it (FET), because she feels like she won’t be a stakeholder in these babies (if they ever become real), but two miscarriages in a row necessitates more investigation into why she isn’t keeping the pregnancies. At the same time, we only have 3 embryos left, and my womb hasn’t had a try yet.
What to do?
Right now my daily life is very difficult to navigate through. I teach at a really rough school, where the kids are extremely disrespectful to teachers and administration. I was successful in transferring to a different school for September, but I still need to ride out the last month and a bit of this year.
On a daily basis, I have extreme moments of stress because of my job. In addition to that, everyone around me is pregnant or having babies. A friend/colleague of mine just found out she is having twins, and is griping about it. All I want is a piece of that, and I feel like with each failed attempt, my image of having children gets blurrier.
I am struggling with a lot of emotions and expectations and I feel like my own needs aren’t being met. The problem is, that I am so far down each of these holes that I can’t even find a way to climb out.