Home » IVF#2 » IVF#2: Halfway Through the Ten Day Wait (5DP5DT)

IVF#2: Halfway Through the Ten Day Wait (5DP5DT)

Well, it’s been 5 days since our blastocyst transfer, and really, I don’t have much to report symptom-wise.

I haven’t had any cramps or dizziness like last BFP. I’m not out of breath, or overly tired. I’m peeing my usual 1-2x per night. I am eating like normal again, and there are no signs of OHSS.

All I have noticed is that I’m having trouble regulating my temperature. I’m either freezing cold, or hot like a furnace. Sometimes, my torso feels a couple of degrees hotter than my feet, which can’t seem to get and stay warm.

That’s it.

Being 5DP5DT, I am getting worried. By 7DP5DT, countdowntopregnancy.com says that you are more likely than not to get a true positive if you POAS.

After my retrieval, I only suffered mild OHSS (or not at all). I felt back to normal pretty much the day before my transfer, and better each day since then. I am really grateful that I did not get OHSS despite my high estrogen levels and 30-something growing follicles. In fact, I am shocked. Part of it I’m sure is thanks to the Dostinex that they put me on, and I also believe that my high sodium and high protein diet for a few days before and after retrieval helped too. I have been secretly hoping for some OHSS to reappear, as a way of tipping me off that we may be getting a BFP, but so far, I feel fine.

This TWW started off really low stress, and I’ve been lucky enough to have my wife at home this weekend for three days (Family Day Holiday in Ontario, Canada). I finally got back to hiking in the snow with her and the dogs on Saturday (Valentine’s Day), and have been trying to keep fun music on in the background at home because it keeps my mood light. I am happy to report that I have busted into fabulously fun, but totally embarrassing dance parties daily in our living room. Juno the dog watches me and barks when my dance moves get a little too funky. I also devoured Gillian Flynn’s Sharp Objects, which I have found to be her most twisted book of her three best sellers. I really enjoyed it though, and am on some female author murder mystery kick right now.

My anxiety has stayed relatively low since the transfer, until today. Somehow, being at this halfway point, an obsession with POAS has set in. I have been googling and Instagram searching days by #DP5DT, and I’m driving myself mad. I didn’t mention this last month, but in January, my anxiety seemed to peak again, and I decided that I couldn’t cope without some pharmaceutical intervention. I was super close to starting the Cipralex that had been calling my name since I filled the prescription, but wanted to wait until I felt safe and pregnant. A work friend reached out to me last month, complaining about how terrible of a time she is having at our school (she was also transferred there at the same time as me), and how she basically feels bullied by everyone except one or two other teachers. Hearing her share her unhappy experiences triggered some of my PTSD from September, where I had visions of crying in the staff washroom between teaching classes, wiping blood off the toilet seat as I was miscarrying, inserting my Endometrin suppositories so deep that my cervix ached because I was so desperate for the bleeding to stop. I remember talking to my vice principal about how a student physically threatened me, only to have him wave it off as “his bark is bigger than his bite”. I felt unsafe in that school, and unfortunately, I don’t feel any better about returning right now than I did when I miscarried. My leave is up at the end of this month, and I’m terrified to go back there. As of today, I’m back to having daytime anxiety fixations about it, and because I don’t want to start the Cipralex yet, I have really no way to cope. I have an appointment with my therapist this Wednesday, and plan to see my family doctor either this week or next week, because I can feel the anxiety ramping up again. When it comes, I feel debilitated. I do illogical things, like peel the skin and cuticles off of my fingers, layer by layer, until they bleed. I become absentminded, and unable to multitask. My fixations start during the day, as daydreams, and as they get worse, they consume more and more of my day until they start to prevent me from sleeping. Once I stop sleeping, I stop eating. I dwell deeper and deeper until I am unable to even maintain a conversation with my wife because I’m consumed by my anxiety. I’m not there yet, but my anxiety at the stage where it is starting to take up more real estate, and I am scared.

So yeah. Anyways…

I have decided to POAS on Thursday, which will be 8DP5DT, and happens to be DW’s birthday. This could be the best birthday present ever, or send us both off on a shitty tone for the rest of the day.

Anyways, please send me some hope and positivity. I can tell that I’m on the verge of sliding into an anxiety pit soon, with work and the uncertainty of whether I am pregnant or not. Thank you all for your support. I’m sorry to have to bring my anxiety back into the mix, but it’s a big part of my struggle right now.

44 thoughts on “IVF#2: Halfway Through the Ten Day Wait (5DP5DT)

  1. Hun, cyber hugs coming you way. You have come through SO much in your journey, your strength of character is nothing to be messed with. Having said that, anxiety is a VERY real physical and mental pain, and with everything going on (and a job you aren’t happy in at the moment), it’s no wonder that it’s rearing it’s ugly head again. Just wanted to say that I KNOW you can get through this…I haven’t known you long, but I just know you are a fighter and a survivor…good things are a’ coming! (But don’t piss on a stick yet!!!!)

  2. I’m sorry. I hope you get some symptoms soon, or you just have one of those symptom-free early pregnancies. I’m super surprised at how little the trigger shot’s affected me, I’ve read about some women getting morning sickness from it. I feel completely fine. The only thing I noticed was that I’m not as 100% regular as I used to be. But that’s what high fiber foods are for.

    • Thank you Decaf. I’ve never really noticed any symptoms from the HCG trigger shot either. It’s interesting that so many people have such different experiences with it. I hope you’re right, and maybe I’m just not super sensitive to HCG, and maybe I’ll still have a good chance here.

  3. I hate to hear that your anxiety is creeping back up, but given my experience I can see why it is as you are faced with the possibility of returning to a high stress job. I’m glad you have an appointment with a counsellor and doctor this week, I hope you can develop a plan to prevent your anxiety from creeping too high.
    Sending you sticky happy baby wishes!

    • Thank you. It really is horrible, and I feel like I’m stuck in this damn cycle that keeps repeating itself. I’m beating myself up over it, and DW is trying to help shed some perspective, that the cycle keeps repeating because we’ve been dealt such shitty cards over and over and over again. I’m sure that once we get cut some slack, I will be able to cope better with work. Right now, I just can’t juggle infertility + work + underlying anxiety. Ugh. Thanks for listening, and for your support.

      • I hear you on this, I really do! It’s all too much, and it’s just so hard to see the good in all of it. But I am confident that with the help of DW and a plan with your medical team you should be able to elevate some of it. Any chance you can stay out of work longer?

      • Yes, there is a strong chance. Last time I went in to see her, my family doctor had me complete some risk assessment questionnaires, to pinpoint how bad my anxiety is. I was at a moderate-severe level, and while my leave “ends” at the end of the month, it’s not so much that she thinks I should be fit to return, but more so that she wants to follow-up with me regularly to see where I’m at.

      • I’m glad to hear that there is a strong chance!
        I don’t want to scare you, but just be prepared in case it doesn’t happened. Everyone thought I’d get approved for long term disability, but my companies insurance provider rejected it. I could have challenged it, but we decided there was no point as I was not going back regardless. I really hope this doesn’t happen to you!!

      • They said 5 miscarriages did not justify my anxiety and stress! My doctor and counsellor were shocked! Heck, even my supervisor was shocked. Really, we were all shocked (except HR, but she was a crazy lady who aso refused to acknowledge the stress of 5 miscarriages).

      • What. The. Eff. Really? That is unbelievable. I’m sorry that happened to you. After all of those miscarriages, to have your employer dismiss your stress and anxiety must’ve been like kicking you when you’re down. That’s just awful.

      • It was pretty shitty, I wont lie. But honestly, leaving that toxic company was the best thing I could ever have done. I still completely disagree with them, but the fight with the insurance provider just wasn’t going to be worth the effort (and fortunately we are in a financial position where we could afford for me to walk away).
        By the way, I’m not telling you this to scare you, that’s the last thing I want to do. I just want you to be able to think through the off chance that they don’t approve you and what that will mean for you and DW.

  4. Many hugs to you. That you are able to recognize your state and step outside of it is actually a good thing! Keep breathing, distract yourself, lots of self-care. From one medicated anxiety sufferer to another, I will tell you that this anxiety will pass, I promise!

  5. You know I understand your anxiety and depression issues. Not being on anything for three months this summer while having multiple MCs was my bottom. I now realize how important my own sanity is. I know it personal preference but truly your sanity means a lot and most doctors recommend women like us stay medicated even when pregnant. I hope Thursday bring s happy news and that it continues without a hitch.

    • Thank you. You’re on the Lexapro while pregnant right? Are you still on your full dose or have you reduced? I’m just scared of starting the Cipralex/Lexapro if/when the pregnancy is still so fragile. Thanks for your advice. It helps so much.

      • My OB, RE and Family Doctor think that Lexapro is fine during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I am still on the full dose but I plan to go down some next trimester. Mainly because it more beneficial for me to be on the full dose now and also cause the Lexapro may be contributing to my dizziness so lowering the dose may help that. I know how your feeling and felt the same before as well. I just decided my health quals the health of the pregnancy and baby too in the end.

      • Thanks. I just saw my family doctor, and she wants to hold off on the Cipralex because it can cause excessive bleeding and I’m on blood thinners. So we are gonna wait until second trimester to start.

  6. I’ve really enjoyed reading your daily posts, but this one has given me a real sense of what you are going through. You really don’t need this job stress – it sounds horrendous and no one, no one, should have to work in a place where they do not feel safe. Not least because every day it is triggering your stress response and we all know how bad stress is for our bodies. Are there any alternatives at all? Do you have to go back? Can you think of any way at all in which you can change it? Even further leave sounds like it would smooth the way while you deal with IVF. I hope you can find some peace and I am wishing you so much luck for test day. We’re all here hoping with you – hang in there, you CAN do it. xxxx

    • Thank you. Yes, there is the possibility of extending my leave. I just get really anxious about it because my school board leave representative kind of harassed me last time (called me multiple times in a day, emailed me multiple times) before my leave ended to encourage me to come back to work. I also get anxious about it because I feel incredibly embarrassed that I can’t handle everything going on in my life plus work. I know it isn’t reasonable to feel like this, but as a super overachiever, I’ve always given myself value based on my achievements. Up until this year, I also had a reputation as a fantastic teacher- principals were fighting over hiring me. But now, being on this leave has really hurt my professional reputation. Public education has very unreasonable expectations of its teachers- we’re expected to come to work 100% dedicated to handle incredible amounts of stress, and not have a bad day. If you have a bad day, your colleagues gossip about you. You can imagine how much gossip there has been about me being off for several months now. It makes me feel really terrible. So yeah, I don’t think I’m ready to return, and hope that my family doc continues to support me in this. It’s just that jumping through the hoops in the process that makes this happen is super triggering for me. Thanks so much for your support. I’m sorry for the rambling.

  7. I’m so sorry to hear your anxiety is rearing its ugly head like this. I really think it sounds like you need to extend your leave, if you’re able to do that. I understand that it’ll be more legwork, require you to communicate with people you may not want to, etc…But it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to go back. I wish you could easily switch schools (if only!) and leave that place behind.

    That temperature regulation issue was my first sign with all 3 of my pregnancies, by the way.

    • Thank you so much. It feels like you understand what I’m struggling with. I woke up in the middle of the night to a panic attack, and made an appt to see my family doctor later this afternoon. I hope we get an extension on my leave, because I’m really not fit to go back if I’m having such awful reactions.

      Thanks for sharing your symptoms too. It helps me to stay hopeful.

  8. Sending so much love your way. A very good friend of mine was out on leave for several months, and she had similar issues with management hassling her about when she would return and (of course) gossip. At the end of the day I always told her that her health is more important than her job no matter what anyone else says. I really hope this week brings you some good news. Thinking of you.

  9. Hugs, hugs, hugs. That’s all I got, but I got plenty of them. Thinking those happy, positive vibes for ya and I sure hope Thursday is a great happy positive surprise!

  10. Oh god, I so relate to this post. I just quit my job because it was so toxic. It was a hard decision but now that I’m out, I know it was the right one. I hope you find the right solution for you. No one should feel the anxiety you describe.

    • I’m so sorry to hear that you suffered through a super toxic and stressful workplace too. It really makes you dread each day, and feel badly about yourself. Good on you for taking charge and getting out of there. I’m finding a way to cope, but the next week will be super hard nonetheless. Thank you for your support Elizabeth.

  11. The hot and cold was one of my first symptoms! I was freezing all day and boiling hot all night. Other than that, I felt nothing until closer to 9-10dp5dt. I’m sending lots of good vibes your way. I really hope this works out for you!

  12. re: how I cope: meditation classes, Sertraline (generic of Zoloft), counseling, sleep, blogging, and I’m trying to start couch-to-5K, but am having trouble finding the time…

  13. Your anxiety manifests in many of the ways that mine does…i know the struggle, and that shit is real! I hope that you start to feel a little relief, and maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad to start the meds now…they do take about 2-3 weeks to kick in and start working, so it may not be a bad time to start especially if you have to go back to work in the next month or so. As far as you not having symptoms, i tell people this all the time…we would have never guessed that Callie was pregnant, because she didn’t have a ONE pregnancy symptom…not one! We actually thought that she wasn’t, until we had our beta…I hope that no symptoms are a sign of a healthy pregnancy ready to make the long haul…thinking about you lady…

    • Thank you so much. After much discussion with my family doctor, we’ve decided not to start the meds until I’m “safely pregnant”. I appreciate the support though. Anxiety is so hard because it often feels like a battle you fight alone, and I am comforted knowing that others are living with it successfully. I hope I am one of them symptom-free preggers too! Tomorrow, we test!

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